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Archive-name: Poetry/dilime.txt


Archive-title: 660+ Limericks!

1     There was a young girl of Aberystwyth

     Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.

          The miller's sun, Jack,

       Laid her flat on her back,

     And united the organs they pissed with.

2     There was a young lady of Arden,

        The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.

       Said she with a frown,

          "I've been sadly let down

     By the tool of a fool in a garden."

3     There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield

        Engaged to look after the deacon's field,

       But he lurked in the ditches

       And diddled the bitches

        Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.

4       There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu

        Who's often been screwed by yours truly,

          But now--it's appallin'--

       My balls always fall in!

        I fear that I've fucked her unduly.

5     There was a young girl in Berlin

     Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.

       Though he diddled his best,

       And fucked her with zest,

     She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"

6     I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,

     I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.

       She said it was crude

       To be wooed in the nude--

     I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

7     There was a young lady of Bicester

     Who was nicer by far than her sister:

       The sister would giggle

       And wiggle and jiggle,

     But this one would come if you kissed her.

8     There once was a son-of-a-bitch,

     Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,

       Yet the girls he would dazzle,

       And fuck to a frazzle,

     And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!

9     There once was a young fellow named Blaine,

     And he screwed some disgusting old jane.

       She was ugly and smelly,

       With an awful pot-belly,

     But... well, they were caught in the rain.

10     There was a young sailor form Brighton

        Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."

          She replied, "'Pon my soul,

          You're in the wrong hole;

        There's plenty of room in the right one.

11     A lacklustre lady of Brougham

     Weaveth all night at her loom.

       Anon she doth blench

       When her lord and his wench

     Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.

12     A middle-aged codger named Bruin

     Found his love life completely a-ruin,

       For he flirted with flirts

       Wearing pants and no skirts,

        And he never got in for no screwin'.

13     There was a young fellow of Burma

     Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.

          But now that he's married he's

       Been using cantharides

     And the root of their love is much firmer.

14     There was a young fellow from Cal.,

     In bed with a passionate gal.

       He leapt from the bed,

       To the toilet he sped;

     Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"

15     There was a young man from Calcutta

     Who was heard in his beard to mutter,

       "If her Bartholin glands

          Don't respond to my hands,

        I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."

16     There once was a kiddie named Carr

     Caught a man on top of his mar.

          As he saw him stick 'er,

       He said with a snicker,

     "You do it much faster than par."

17     There was a young fellow named Charteris

        Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.

          Said she, "I don't mind,

          And higher up you'll find

     The place where my fucker and farter is."

18     A young woman got married at Chester,

     Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.

          Says she, "You're in luck,

          He's a stunning good fuck,

        For I've had him myself down in Leicester.

19     "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,

     "You have told me my bosom is snowy;

       You have made much fine verse on

       Each part of my person,

        Now do something -- there's a good boy!"

20     A maiden who wrote of big cities

     Some songs full of love, fun and pities,

       Sold her stuff at the shop

       Of a musical wop

     Who played with her soft little titties.

21     There once was a gouty old colonel

     Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,

       And he cried in his tiffin

          For his prick wouldn't stiffen,

     And the size of the thing was infernal.

22     A lady while dining at Crewe

        Found an elephant's whang in her stew.

          Said the waiter, "Don't shout,

          And don't wave it about,

     Or the others will all want one too."

23     There was a young lady of Dee

     Who went down to the river to pee.

       A man in a punt

       Put his hand on her cunt,

     And God! how I wish it were me.

24     I never had Miss Defauw,

        But it wouldn't have been quite so raw

          If she'd only said "No"

       When I wanted her so;

        But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"

25     A beautiful bell of Del Norte

     Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty

       Because during the day

       She says: "Boys, keep away!"

     But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.

26     A young man by a girl was desired

     To give her the thrills she required,

       But he died of old age

       Ere his cock could assuage

     The volcanic desire it inspired.

27     There was a young lady of Dover

     Whose passion was such that it drove her

       To cry, when you came,

       "Oh dear!  What a shame!

     Well, now we shall have to start over."

28     There was a young man of Dumfries

     Who said to his girl, "If you please,

       It would give me great bliss

     If, while playing with this,

     You would pay some attention to these!"

29     There was a young lady of Ealing

     And her lover before her was kneeling.

       Said she, "Dearest Jim,

       Take your hands off my quim;

     I much prefer fucking to feeling."

30     A lonely young lad of Eaton

     Used always to sleep with the heat on,

       Till he ran into a lass

       Who showed him her ass --

     Now they sleep with only a sheet on.

31     There was a young lady of Exeter,

     So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.

       One was even so brave

       As to take out and wave

     The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

32     There was a young lady of fashion

     Who had oodles and oodles of passion.

       To her lover she said,

       As  they climbed into bed,

        "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"

33     There was a young girl in Dakota

     Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:

       "In addition to gas

       We are rationing ass,

        And you've greatly exceeded your quota."

34     There was a young lady named Flynn

     Who thought fornication a sin,

       But when she was tight

       It seemed quite all right,

     So everyone filled her with gin.

35     A reckless young lady of France

     Had no qualms about taking a chance,

       But she thought it was crude

       To get screwed in the nude,

     So she always went home with damp pants.

36     A nervous young fellow named Fred

     Took a charming young widow to bed.

          When he'd diddled a while

       She remarked with a smile,

        "You've got it all in but the head."

37     There was a young fellow named Fyfe

     Whose marriage was ruined for life,

       For he had an aversion

       To every perversion

     And only liked fucking his wife.

     Well, one year the poor woman struck,

     And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,

       And said, "Where have you gotten us

       With your goddamn monotonous

     Fuck after fuck after fuck?

     "I once knew a harlot named Lou --

     And a versatile girl she was, too.

       After ten years of whoredom

       She perished of boredom

     When she married a jackass like you!"

40     There was a young lady of Gloucester,

     Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.

          She wasn't much hurt,

       But he dirtied her skirt,

     So think of the anguish it cost her.

41     There was a young lady of Gloucester

     Whose friends they thought they had lost her

       Till they found on the grass

       The marks of her arse,

     And the knees of the man who had crossed her.

42     There was a young fellow named Goody

        Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?

       If he found himself nude

       With a gal in the mood

        The question's not woody but could he?

43     In my sweet little Alice Blue gown

     Was the first time I ever laid down,

       I was both proud and shy

       As he opened his fly

     And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.

     Oh it hung almost down to the ground,

     As it went in I made not a sound,

       The more that he shoved it

       The more that I loved it,

     As he came on my Alice Blue gown.

45     In my sweet little night gown of blue,

     On the first night that I slept with you,

       I was both shy and scared

       As the bed was prepared,

     And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.

     As we both watched the break of day,

     And in peaceful submission I lay,

       You said you adored it

       But dammit, you tore it,

     My sweet little night gown of blue.

47     Winter is here with his grouch,

     The time when you sneeze and slouch.

          You can't take your women

          Canoein' or swimmin',

     But a lot can be done on a couch.

48      It always delights me at Hank's

     To walk up the old river banks.

       One time in the grass

       I stepped on an ass,

     And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."

49     There was a young girl from Hong Kong

     Who said, "You are utterly wrong

       To say my vagina

          's the largest in China

     Just because of your mean little dong."

50      There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel

     Who said, "They can all go to hell!

       What they do to my wife --

       Why it ruins my life;

     And the worst is they all do it well."

51     There was a young man named Hughes

     Who swore off all kinds of booze.

          He said, "When I'm muddled

       My senses get fuddled,

     And I pass up too many screws."

52     There were three ladies of Huxham,

        And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,

       And when that game grows stale

       We sits on a rail,

        And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.

53     There was a young lady named Inge

     Who went on a binge with a dinge.

          Now I won't breathe a word

       O f what really occured --

     But her cunt has a chocolate fringe.

54     An octagenerian Jew

     To his wife remained steadfastly true.

       This was not from compunction,

       But due to dysfunction

     Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.

55      "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,

        "Come on, take it out, and let's play."

       He pulled it on out,

       But she started to pout,

     His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.

56     A pansy who lived in Khartoum

     Took a lesbian up to his room,

       And they argued all night

       Over who had the right

     To do what, and with which, and to whom.

57     There was an old lady who lay

     With her legs wide apart in the hay,

       Then, calling the ploughman,

       She said, "Do it now, man!

        Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."

58     There was a young lady of Lee

     Who scrambled up into a tree,

       When she got there

       Her arsehole was bare,

     And so was her K U N T.

59     A worn-out young husband named Lehr

        Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:

       "Slip on a sheath, quick,

       Then slip your big dick

     Between these lips covered with hair."

60     There was a young plumber of Leigh

     Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.

       She said, "Stop the plumbing,

          There's somebody coming!"

        Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

61     Il y avait  un plombier, Francois,

     Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.

       Dit-elle, "Arretez!

          J'entends quelqu'un venait."

        Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."

62     Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,

     Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.

          Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,

       Ich hore Mann kommen."

     "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."

63     Prope mare erat tubulator

     Qui virginem ingrediebatur.

       Dessine ingressus

       Audivi progressus:

     Est mihi inquit tubulator.

64     Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum

     Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?

       Some people say,

       Love finds a way,

        But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.

65     In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh

     Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.

       His wife said, "Oh, stuff

       That philosophy guff

     Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"

66     There was a young lady named Maud

     A terrible society fraud:

          In company, I'm told

       She was awfully cold.

     But if you got her alone, Oh God!

67     There was a young lady named May

     Who strolled in a park by the way,

       And she met a youg man

       Who fucked her and ran --

     Now she goes to the park every day.

68     There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,

     Discovered his sex life was hapless:

       The more he would screw

          The more he'd want to,

     And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.

69     There was a young dolly named Molly

     Who thought that to frig was a folly.

       Said she, "Your pee-pee

       Means nothing to me,

        But I'll do it just to be jolly."

70     Of his face she thought not very much,

     But then, at the very first touch,

       Her attitude shifted --

       He was terribly gifted

     At frigging and fucking and such.

71      The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard

     To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,

       And cried, "Oh, my dear,

       I am coming, I fear,

        But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."

72     There was a young lad from Nahant

     Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.

       When asked, "Do you fuck?"

       He replied, "No such luck.

        I would if I could but I can't."

73     There was a young man of Natal

     Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.

          Said she, "You're a sluggard!"

       Said he, "You be buggered!

     I like to fuck slow and I shall."

74     There was a young man of Natal

     And Sue was the name of his gal.

       One day, north of Aden,

       He got his hard rod in,

     And came clear up Suez Canal.

75     There was a gay dog from Ontario

     Who fancied himself a Lothario.

          At a wench's glance

          He'd snatch off his pants

     And make for her Mons Venerio.

76     There was a young man of Ostend

     Who let a girl play with his end.

       She took hold of Rover,

       And felt it all over,

        And it did what she didn't intend.

77     There was a young man of Ostend

     Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.

          "It's no use, my duck,

       Interrupting our fuck,

        For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."

78     There was a young fellow from Parma

     Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.

       Said the damsel, demure,

          "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,

     But I must say you fuck like a farmer."

79     A newly-wed man of Peru

     Found himself in a terrible stew:

       His wife was in bed

       Much deader than dead,

     And so he had no one to screw.

80     There was a young girl of Pitlochry

     Who was had by a man in a rockery.

          Sh said, "Oh! You've come

       All over my bum;

        This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."

81     There was a young lady from Prentice

     Who had an affair with a dentist.

       To make things easier

       He used anesthesia,

        And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.

82     There was a young man with a prick

     Which into his wife he would stick

       Every morning and night

       If it stood up all right --

     Not a very remarkable trick.

     His wife had a nice little cunt:

     It was hairy, and soft, and in front,

       And with this she would fuck him,

          Though sometimes she'd suck him --

     A charming, if commonplace, stunt.

84     There was a young man from Purdue

     Who was only just learning to screw,

          But he hadn't the knack,

       And he got too far back --

     In the right church, but in the wrong pew.

85     A young lady sat on a quay,

     Just as propper as propper could be.

       A young fellow goosed her,

       And roughly seduced her,

     So she thanked him and went home to tea.

86     I once was annoyed by a queer

     Who made his intentions quite clear.

          Said I, "I'm no prude,

          So don't think me rude,

        But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."

87     A young wife in the outskirts of Reims

     Preferred frigging to going to mass.

       Said her husband, "Take Jacques,

       Or any young cock,

     For I cannot live up to your ass."

88     The King named Oedipus Rex

     Who started this fuss about sex

       Put the world to great pains

       By the spots and the stains

        Which he made on his mother's pubex.

89     Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle

     Who said with a wink and a smile,

       "Sure, please stick it in,

       Be it thick be it thin,

        But if's rough I won't do as a file."

90     There was a young lady of Rhyll

     In an omnibus was taken ill,

       So she called the conductor,

       Who got in and fucked her,

     Which did more good than a pill.

91     There was a young German named Ringer

     Who was screwing an opera singer.

       Said he with a grin,

          "Well, I've sure got it in!"

        Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"

92     A young violinist from Rio

     Was seducing a lady named Cleo.

       As she took down her panties

       She said, "No andantes;

     I want this allegro con brio!"

93     A young Juliet of St. Louis

     On a balcony stood acting screwy.

       Her Romeo climbed,

          But he wasn't well timed,

     And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!

94     Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,

        When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,

       "You must sieze it, and squeeze it,

       And tease it, and please it,

        For Rome wasn't built in a day."

95     There was a young man from Siam

     Who said, "I go in with a wham,

       But I soon lose my starch

       Like the mad month of March,

     And the lion comes out like a lamb."

96     Prince Absalom lay with his sister

     And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,

       But the kid was so tight,

       And it was deep night --

     Though he shot at the target, he missed her.

97     There was a young fellow named Skinner

     Who took a young lady to dinner

       At a quarter to nine

       They sat down to dine;

     At twenty to ten it was in her.

       The dinner, not Skinner --

     Skinner was in her before dinner.

     There was a young fellow named Tupper

     Who took a young lady to supper.

       At a quarter to nine

       They sat down to dine,

     And at twenty to ten it was up her.

       Not the supper -- not Tupper --

     It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!

99     "My back aches.  My penis is sore.

        I simply can't fuck any more.

          I'm dripping with sweat,

          And you haven't come yet;

        And, my God! it's a quarter to four!"

100     There was a young lady of Spain

     Who took down her pants on a train.

       There was ayoung porter

       Saw more than he orter,

     And asked her to do it again.

101     There was a young man of high station

     Who was found by a  pious relation

       Making love in a ditch

          To -- I won't say a bitch --

     But a woman of no reputation.

102     There once was a dentist named Stone

     Who saw all his patients alone.

       In a fit of depravity

       He filled the wrong cavity,

     And my, how his practice has grown!

103     A sailor who slept in the sun

     Woke to find his fly buttons undone.

       He remarked with a smile,

       "Jesus Christ, a sundial!

        And it's now a quarter past one."

104     A plumber whose name was Ten Brink

        Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.

       Her resistance was stout,

       And Ten Bring petered out

     With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.

105     The spouse of a pretty young thing

     Came home from the wars in the spring.

       He was lame but he came

       With his dame like a flame --

     A discharge is a wondeful thing.

106     I wonder what my wife will want tonight;

     Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?

       I wonder can she tell

          That I've been raising hell;

        Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?

     My wife is just as nice as can be,

        I hope she doesn't feel to nice toward me,

       For an afternoon of joy

       Is hell on the old boy.

     I wonder what the wife will want tonight!

108     There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,

     Exceedingly hard to get onto,

       But when you get there,

       And have parted the hair,

     You can fuck her as much as you want to.

109     Une joile epousetta a Tours

     Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.

       Mais le mari disait, "Non!

          De trop n'est pas bon!

     Mon derriere exige du secours!"

110     A pretty wife living in Tours

     Demanded her daily amour.

       But the husband said, "No!

          It's to much.  Let it go!

     My backsides are dragging the floor."

111     In the shade of the old apple tree

     Where between her fat legs I could see

       A little brown spot

       With the hair in a knot,

     And it certainly looked good to me.

     I asked as I tickled her tit

     If she thought that my big thing would fit.

       She said it would do

       So we had a good screw

     In the shade of the old apple tree.

     In the shade of the old apple tree

     I got all that was coming to me.

       In the soft dewy grass

       I had a fine piece of ass

     From a maiden that was fine to see.

     I could hear the dull buzz of the bee

     As he sunk his grub hooks into me.

       Her ass it was fine

       But you should have seen mine

     In the shade of the old apple tree.

115     A lad from far-off Transvaal

     Was lustful, but tactful withal.

          He'd say, just for luck,

          "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"

        But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.

116     There was a young lady of Twickenham

        Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.

       On her knees every day

       To god she would pray

        To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em.

117     There was a young lady named Twiss

     Who said she thought fucking a bliss,

       For it tickled her bum

       And caused her to come

     .siht gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW

118     There once was a husky young Viking

     Whose sexual prowess was striking.

       Every time he got hot

       He would scour the twat

     Of some girl that might be to his liking.

119     At the moment Japan declared war

     A sailor was fucking a whore.

       He said, "After this poke

          `Long and hard' ain't no joke;

     This means months till I get back ashore."

120     There was a young lady of Wheeling

        Said to her beau, "I've a feeling

       My little brown jug

       Has need of a plug" --

     And straightaway she started to peeling.

121     Two anglers were fishing off Wight

     And his bobber was dipping all night.

       Murmured she, with a laugh,

          "It's ready to gaff,

        But don't break your rod which is light."

     A couple was fishing near Clombe

     When the maid began looking quite glum,

       And said, "Bother the fish!

          I'd rather coish!"

     Which they did -- which was why they had come.

     As two consular clerks in Madras

     Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,

       "What a marvelous pole,"

       Said she, "but control

        Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."

124     Love letters no longer they write us,

     To their homes they so seldom invite us.

       It grieves me to say,

       They have learned with dismay,

        We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.

125     There was a young student from Yale

     Who was getting his first piece of tail.

       He shoved in his pole,

       But in the wrong hole,

     And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"

126     In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,

     Complacently stroking his madam,

       And loud was his mirth

       For on all of the earth

        There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

127     There was a young bride of Antigua

     Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"

          Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!

          Why, you've only felt my twot,

     My legs and my arse and my figua!"

128     There was a young damsel named Baker

     Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.

       He yelled, "My God!  what

       Do you call this -- a twat?

     Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"

129     There was once a mechanic named Bench

     Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.

       With this vibrant device

       He could reach, in a trice,

     The innermost parts of a wench.

130     There was a young man of Bengal

     Who swore he had only one ball,

       But two little bitches

       Unbuttoned his britches,

     And found he had no balls at all.

131     A chippy who worked in Black Bluff

     Had a pussy as large as a muff.

       It had room for both hands

       And some intimate glands,

        And was soft as a little ducks's fluff.

132     There was a young lady named Blount

     Who had a rectangular cunt.

       She learned for diversion

       Posterior perversion,

     Since no one could fit here in front.

133     There was a young fellow named Bowen

        Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.

       It grew so tremendous,

       So long and so pendulous,

        'Twas no godd for fuckin' -- just showin'.

134     There was a young lady named Brent

     With a cunt of enormous extent,

       And so deep and so wide,

       The acoustics inside

     Were so good you could hear when you spent.

135     There was a young girl from the Bronix

     Who had a vagina of onyx.

          She had so much `tsoris'

       With her clitoris,

     She traded it in for a Packard.

136     There was a young lady from Brussels

     Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.

       She could easily plex them

       And so interflex them

     As to whistle love songs through her bustles.

137     There was a young lady of Bude

     Who walked down the street in the nude.

       A bobby said, "Whattum

       Magnificent bottom!"

     And slapped it as hard as he could.

138     There once was a queen of Bulgaria

     Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,

       Till a prince from Peru

       Who came up for a screw

     Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

139     There was a young girl of Cah'lina,

     Had a very capricious vagina:

       To the shock of the fucker

       "Twould suddenly pucker,

     And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."

140     A lady with features cherubic

     Was famed for her area pubic.

       When they asked her its size

       She replied in surprise,

     "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

141     There was a fat lady of China

        Who'd a really enormous vagina,

       And when she was dead

       They painted it red,

     And used it for docking a liner.

142     I met a young man in Chungking

     Who had a very long thing --

          But you'll guess my surprise

       When I found that its size

     Just measured a third-finger ring!

143     There was a young man of Coblenz

     Whose ballocks were simply immense:

       It took forty-four draymen,

       A priest and three laymen

     To carry them thither and thence.

144     There was an old man of Connaught

     Whose prick was remarkably short.

       When he got into bed

       The old woman said,

        "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."

145     There once was a girl from Cornell

     Whose teats were shaped like a bell.

       When you touched them they shrunk,

       Except when she was drunk,

     And then they got bigger than hell.

146     There once was a lady of Crete

     So enormously broad in the beam

       That one day in the ocean

       She caused such commotion

     That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America.

147     There was a young fellow named Cribbs

     Whose cock was so big it had ribs.

       They were inches apart,

       And to suck it took art,

     While to fuck it took forty-two trips.

148     There was a young lady whose cunt

     Could accomodate a small punt.

       Her mother said, "Annie,

       It matches your fanny,

     Which never was that of a runt."

149     There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,

     Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.

       When one pireg is shot,

          There's that alternate twat,

     But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.

150     There was a young man from Dallas

     Who had an exceptional phallus.

          He couldn't find room

          In any girl's womb

     Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.

151     There was a young girl of Des Moines

     Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,

       Till a guy from Hoboken

       Went and dropped in a token,

     And now she rides free on the ferry.

152     To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,

        "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?

       Has the east tit the least bit

       The best of the west tit,

     Or is it the faulty perspective?"

153     There was a young girl of Detroit

     Who at fucking was very adroit:

       She could squeeze her vagina

       To a pin-point, or finer,

     Or open it out like a quoit.

     And she had a friend named Durand

     Whose cock could contract or expand.

       He could diddle a midge

       Or the arch of a bridge --

     Their performance together was grand!

155     There was a young man of Devizes

     Whose balls were of different sizes.

       His tool when at ease,

       Hung down to his knees,

     Oh, what must it be when it rises!

156     Visas erat: huic geminarum

     Dispar modus testicularum:

       Minor haec nihili,

       Palma triplici,

     Jam fecerat altera clarum.

157     There was a young fellow whose dong

     Was prodigiously massive and long.

       On each side of his whang

       Two testes did hang

     That attracted a curious throng.

158     There was a young man from East Wubley

     Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.

       Each quadruplicate shaft

       Had two balls hanging aft,

     And the general effect was quite lovely.

159     While I, with my usual enthusiasm,

        Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,

       She explained, "They are flat,

       But think nothing of that --

     You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."

160     There was a young fellow from Florida

        Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.

       When they got into bed

       He cried, "God strike me dead!

        This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"

161     An old man at the Folies Bergere

     Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:

       It snipped off a twat-curl

       From each new chorus girl,

     And he had a wig made of the hair.

162     There was a young man with one foot

     Who had a very long root.

       If he used this peg

       As an extra leg

     Is a question exceedingly moot.

163     In the case of a lady named Frost,

        Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,

          It's the best part of valor

       To bugger the gal, or

        You're apt to fall in and get lost.

164     A certain young person of Ghent,

     Uncertain if lady or gent,

       Shows his organs at large

       For a small handling charge

     To assist him in paying the rent.

165     There was an old woman of Ghent

     Who swore that her cunt had no scent.

       She got fucked so often

       At last she got rotten,

        And didn't she stink when she spent.

166     There was a young man from Glengozzle

     Who found a remarkable fossil.

       He knew by the bend

       And the wart on the end,

        'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.

167     There was a young fellow of Greenwich

     Whose balls were all covered with spinach.

       He had such a tool

       It was wound on a spool,

     And he reeled it out inich by inich.

     But this tale has an unhappy finich,

     For due to the sand in the spinach

       His ballocks grew rough

          And wrecked his wife's muff,

     And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.

169     A mathematician named Hall

     Had a hexhedronical ball,

       And the cube of its weight

       Times his pecker, plus eight,

     Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.

170     There was a young fellow of Harrow

     Whose john was the size of a marrow.

       He said to his tart,

          "How's this for a start?

     My balls are outside in a barrow."

171     There was a young fellow named Harry,

     Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.

       He pressed it on a virgin

          Who, without any urgin',

     Immeadiately spread like a fairy.

172     There was a young girl named Heather

     Whose twitcher was made out of leather.

       She made a queer noise,

       Which attracted the boys,

     By flapping the edges together.

173     There was an old curate of Hestion

        Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.

       But so small was his tool

       He could scarce screw a spool,

     And a cunt was quite out of the question.

174     There was a young man from Hong Kong

     Who had a trifurcated prong:

       A small one for sucking,

       A large one for fucking,

        And a `boney' for beating a gong.

175     A fellow whose surname was Hunt

     Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:

       This versatile spout

       Could be turned inside out,

     Like a glove, and be used a s a cunt.

176     Alas for the Countess d'Isere,

        Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.

       Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"

       When he parted her thighs;

     "Magnifique!  Pourtant pas de la guerre."

177     A highly aesthetic young Jew

     Had eyes of a heavenly blue;

       The end of his dillie

       Was shaped like a lilly,

     And his balls were too utterly two!

178     There once was a lady from Kansas

     Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.

       It was nine inches deep

       And the sides were quite steep --

        It had whiskers like General Carranza's.

179     Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!

     Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,

       The poor wench doth stammer,

       "I need a sledgehammer

     To pound a man into my vent."

180     There was an old gent from Kentuck

     Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,

       But he put it away

       For fear that one day

     He might put it in and get stuck.

181     There was an old lady of Kewry

        Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':

          The `introitus vaginae',

       Was unnaturally tiny,

     And the thought of it filled her with fury.

182     There was a young fellow named Kimble

     Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,

       But fragile and slender,

       And dainty and tender,

     So he kept it encased in a thimble.

183     There was a young man of Lahore

     Whose prick was one inch and no more.

       It was all right for key-holes

          And little girl's pee-holes,

     But not worth a damn with a whore.

184     There once was a horse named Lily

     Whose dingus was really a dilly.

       It was vaginoid duply,

       And labial quadruply --

     In fact, he was really a filly.

185     There was a young fellow from Leeds

     Who swallowed a package of seeds.

       Great tufts of grass

       Sprouted out of his ass

     And his balls were all covered with weeds.

186     The wife of young Richard of Limerick

     Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,

       Still grows in diameter

       Each time that you ram at her;

     How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"

187     There was a young lady of Lincoln

        Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,

       So she had a prick lent her

       Which turned it magenta,

     This artful old lady of Lincoln.

188     There was a young girl of LLewellyn

     Whose breasts were as big as a melon.

       They were big it is true,

       But here cunt was big too,

     Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view

     Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.

189     A contortionist hailing from Lynch

     Used to rent out his tool by the inch.

       A foot cost a quid --

       He could and he did

     Stretch it to three in a pinch.

190     There was a young man from Lynn

     Whose cock was the size of a pin.

       Said his girl with a laugh

       As she felt his staff,

        "This won't be much of a sin."

191     There was a young girl named McCall

     Whose cunt was exceedingly small,

       But the size of her anus

       Was something quite heinous --

     It could hold seven pricks and one ball.

192     There was an old satyr named Mack

     Whose prick had a left handed tack.

       If the ladies he loves

          Don't spin when he shoves,

     Their cervixes frequently crack.

193     An envious girl named McMeanus

        Was jealous of her lover's big penis.

       It was small consolation

       That the rest of the nation

     Of women were with her in weeness.

194     There was a young man named McNamiter

     With a tool of prodigious diameter.

          But it wasn't the size

       Gave the girls a surprise,

     But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.

195     There was a young man of Madras

     Whose balls were constructed of brass.

       When jangled together

       They played "Stormy Weather,"

     And lightning shot out of his ass.

196     A bad little girl in Madrid,

     A most reprehensible kid,

       Told her Tante Louise

       That her cunt smelled like cheese,

     And the worst of it was that it did!

197     There was ayoung man from Maine

     Whose prick was as strong as a crane;

       It was almost as long,

       So he strolled with his dong

     Extended in sunshine and rain.

198     There was a young girl from Medina

     Who could completely control her vagina.

       She could twist it around

       Like the cunts that are found

     In Japan, Manchukuo and China.

199     There was a young fellow named Morgan

     Who possessed an unusual organ:

       The end of his dong,

       Which was nine inches long,

     Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.

200     There was a young soldier from Munich

     Whose penis hung down past his tunic,

       And their chops girls would lick

       When they thought of his prick,

     But alas! he was only a eunuch.

201     There was a young lady of Natchez

     Who chanced to be born with two snatches,

       And she often said, "Shit!

          Why, I'd give either tit

     For a man with equipment that matches."

     There was a young fellow named Locke

     Who was born with a two-headed cock.

          When he'd fondle the thing

       It would rise up and sing

     An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

     But whether these two ever met

     Has not been recorded as yet,

       Still, it would be diverting

       To see him inserting

     His whang while it sang a duet.

204     A girl of uncertain nativity

     Had an ass of extreme sensitivity

       While she sat on the lap

       Of a German or Jap,

     She could sense Fifth Column activity.

205     There was a gay parson of Norton

        Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.

       To make up for this loss,

       He had balls like a horse,

     And never spent less than a quartern.

206     A farmer I know named O'Doole

     Had a long and incredible tool.

       He can use it to plow,

       Or to diddle a cow,

     Or just as a cue-stick at pool.

207     A chap down in Oklahoma

     Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,

       But the sweetness of pitch

          Couldn't put off the hitch

     Of impotence, size and aroma.

208     There was a young girl named O"Malley

     Who wanted to dance in the ballet.

       She got roars of applause

       When she kicked off her drawers,

        But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

209     There was a young maiden from Osset

     Whose quim was nine inches across it.

       Said a young man named Tong,

       With tool nine inches long,

        "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."

210     "The testes are cooler outside,"

     Said the doc to the curious bride,

       "For the semen must no

       Get too fucking hot,

     And the bag fans your bum on the ride."

211     There was a young fellow named Paul

     Who confessed, "I have only one ball.

       But the size of my prick

          Is God's dirtiest trick,

        For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

212     There was a young girl of Pawtucket

     Whose box was as big as a bucket.

       Her boy-friend said, "Toots,

          I'll have to wear boots,

     For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."

213     When I was a baby, my penis

     Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.

          But now 'this as red

       As her nipples instead--

     All because of the feminie genus!

214     Two roosters in one of our pens

     Found their pricks were no larger than wens.

       As they looked at their foreskins

       And wished they had more skins,

        They discovered they'd both become hens.

215     There was a young fellow of Perth

     Whose balls were the finest on earth.

       They grew to such size

       That one won a prize,

     And goodness knows what they were worth.

216     To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!

     Your cunt is as big as a dish!"

       She replied, "Why, you fool,

       With your limp little tool

        It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

217     A very odd pair are the Pitts:

     His balls are as large as here tits,

       Her tits are as large

       As an invasion barge--

     Neither knows how the other cohabits.

218     A young man from the banks of the Po

     Found his cock had elongated so,

          That when he'd pee

       It was not he

        But only his neighbors who'd know.

219     There was a young fellow named Prynne

     Whose prick was so short and so thin,

       His wife found she needed

       A Fuckoscope--she did--

        To see if he'd gotten in.

220     A beautiful lady named Psyche

     Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.

       One thing about Ike

          The lady can't like

     Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.

221     There was a fat man from Rangoon

     Whose prick was much like a ballon.

       He tried hard to ride her

       And when finally inside her

     She thought she was pregnant too soon.

222     There was a young fellow called Rex

     With diminutive organs of sex.

       When charged with exposure

       He said with composure,

     "De minimis non curat lex!"

223     There was a young lady named Riddle

     Who had an untouchable middle.

       She had many friends

       Because of her ends,

        Since it isn't the middle you diddle.

224     There was a young man from Salinas

     Who had an extremely long penis:

       Believe it or not,

       When he lay on his cot

     It reached from Marin to Martinez.

225     There was a young harlot named Schwartz

     Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,

       And they tickled so nice

       She drew a high price

     From the studs at the summer resorts.

     Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,

     Was seldom hard up for a didle,

       For according to rumor

       His tool had a tumor

     And a fine row of warts down the middle.

     Her brother, a bastard named Ben,

     Could rotate his pecker, and then

       He would shoot through his rear

       Which made him dear

     Of the girls, and the envy of men.

     Her other young brother, named Saul,

     Was able to bounce either ball,

       He could stretch them and snap them,

       And juggle and clap them,

     Which earned him the plaudits of all.

229     The skater, Barbara Ann Scott

     Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,

       That when posed on her toes

       She elaborately shows

     Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.

230     A cowhand way out in Seattle

     Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle .

          He said, "No, I can't fuck

       A lamb or a duck,

     But golly! it just fits the cattle."

231     There was a young man from Seattle

     Whose testicles tended to rattle.

       He said as he fucked

       Some stones in a bucket,

        "If Stravinsky won't deafen you  -- that'll."

232     There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock

     Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,

          But her cunt's got a pucker

          That's best not to fuck, or

        When least you expect it to, it'll lock.

233     There was an old fellow named Skinner

     Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.

       But still, by and large,

       It would always discharge

     Once he could just get it in her.

234     An ingenious young man in South Bend

     Made a synthetic arse for a friend,

       But the friend shortly found

       Its construction unsound,

     It was simply a bother -- no end.

235     An aesthete from South Carolina

     Had a cock that tickled like China,

       But while shooting his load

       It cracked like old Spode,

        So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.

236     There was a young blade from South Greece

     Whose bush did so greatly increase

       That before he could shack

       He must hunt needle in stack.

        'Twas as bad as being obese.

237     There was a young lady from Spain

     Whose face was exceedingly plain,

       But her cunt had a pucker

       That made the men fuck her,

     Again, and again, and again.

238     Il y avait une madame de Lahore

        Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,

       Mais la vagine tres forte,

       Toujours ouverte la porte,

     Encore, et encore, et encore.

239     De Hispanice puella verumque

     Simplex oris verborumque

       Tulit potens vagina

       Hominum agmina

     Iterum iterum iterumque.

240     There once was a girl from Spokane

     Went to bed with a one-legged man.

       She said, "I know you --

          You've really got two!

        Why didn't you say so when we began?"

241     There was a young man from Stamboul

     Who boasted so torrid a tool

       That each female crater

       Explored by this satyr

     Seemed almost unpleasanlty cool.

242     There was a young fellow of Strensall

     Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.

       On the night of his wedding

       It went through the bedding,

     And shattered the chamber utensil.

     So here was this fellow of Strensall

     Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,

          Anemic, 'tis true,

       But an interesting screw,

     Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.

244     A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,

     Renowned for the length of their peenies.

       The hair on their balls

       Sweeps the floors of their halls,

        But they don't look at women, the meanies.

245     There was an old man of Tagore

     Whose tool was a yard long or more,

       So he wore the damn thing

       In a surgical sling

     To keep it from wiping the floor.

246     There was a young lady whose thighs,

     When spread showed a slit of such size,

       And so deep and so wide,

       You could play cards inside --

        Much to her bridegroom's surprise.

247     There was a young hayseed from Tiffan

     Whose cock would constantly stiffen.

       The knob out in front

       Attracted foul cunt

        Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.

248     There's a charming young girl in Tobruk

     Who refers to her quiff as a nook.

          It's deep and it's wide,

       -- You can curl up inside

     With a nice easy chair and a book.

249     There was a gay parson of Tooting

     Whose roe he was frequently shooting,

       Till he married a lass

       With a face like my arse,

     And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.

250     There was a young man of Toulouse

     Who had a deficient prepuce,

       But the foreskin he lacked

       He made up in his sac;

     The result was, his balls were too loose.

251     A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket

     Had a hole as big as a basket.

       A spot, as a bride,

       In it now, you could hide,

     And include with your luggage your mascot.

252     A young man maintained that his trigger

        Was so big that there weren't any bigger.

       But this long and thick pud

       Was so heavy it could

     Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.

253     A cautious young fellow named Tunney

     Had a whang that was worth any money.

       When eased in half-way,

          The girl's sigh made him say,

     "Why the sigh?"  "For ths rest of it, honey."

254     There was an old man who said, "Tush!

     My balls always hang in the brush,

       And I fumble about,

       Half in and half out,

     With a pecker as limber as mush."

255     A pious old woman named Tweak

     Had taught her vagina to speak.

       It was frequently liable

       To quote from the Bible,

     But when fucking -- not even a squeak!

256     There once was a newspaper vendor,

     A person of dubious gender.

       He would charge one-and-two

       For permission to view

     His remarkable double pudenda.

257     A maiden who lived in Virginny

     Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.

       The horsey set rushed her,

       But success finally crushed her

     For her tone soon became harsh and tiny.

258     There was a young of Warwick

     Who had reason for feeling euphoric,

       For he could by election

       Have triune erection:

     Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.

259     When he tried to inject his huge whanger

        A young man aroused his girl's anger.

       As they strove in the dark

       She was heard to remark,

     "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."

260     There was a young squaw of Wohunt

     Who possessed a collapsible cunt.

       It had many odd uses,

       Produced no papooses,

     And fitted both giant and runt.

261     There was a young laundress named Wrangle

     Whose tits tilted up at an angle.

       "They may tickle my chin,"

       She said with a grin,

     "But at least they keep out of the mangle."

262     An organist playing in York

     Had a prick that could hold a small fork,

       And between obbligatos

          He'd munch at tomatoes,

     And keep up his trength while at work.

263     There was a young man named Zerubbabel

     Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.

       When they asked if his pleasure

       Was only half measure,

     He replied, "That is highly improbable."

264     There was a young man named Zerubbabub

     Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club

       But the pride of his life

       Were the tits of his wife --

     One real, and one India-rubber bub.

265     Thus spake I AM THAT I AM:

        "For the Virgin I don't give a damn.

       What pleases me most

       Is to bugger the Ghost,

     And then be sucked off by the Lamb."

266     Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY:

     "Por La Virgen un carajo no doy.

       Lo que debe gustar

       Es Jesus caporar --

     Y para hacerlo Yo voy."

267     Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches

     Got on with her grooms and her wenches:

       She went down on the gents,

          And pronged the girl's vents

     With a clitoris reaching six inches.

268     There was a young lady named Astor

     Who never let any get past her.

       She finally got plenty

       By stopping twenty,

     Which certainly ought to last her.

269     Oden the bardling averred

     His muse was the bum of a bird,

       And his Lesbian wife

       Would finger his fife

     While Fisherwood waited as third.

270     There was a young fellow named Babbitt

     Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,

       But a girl from Johore

       Could do it twice more,

     Which was just enough extra to crab it.

271     A young polo-player of Berkeley

     Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.

       In the midst of each chukker

       He would break off and fuck her

     Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.

272     There once was a jolly old bloke

     Who picked up a girl for a poke.

       He took down her pants,

       Fucked her into a trance,

     And then shit into her shoe for a joke.

273     There was a young idler named Blood,

     Made a fortune performing at stud,

       With a fifteen-inch peter,

       A double-beat metre,

     And a load like the Biblical Flood.

274     Though the invalid Saint of Brac

     Lay all of his life on his back,

       His wife got her share,

       And the pilgrims now stare

     At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.

275     There was an old man of Brienz

     The length of whose cock was immense:

       With one swerve he could plug

          A boy's bottom in Zug,

        And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.

276     There once was a Duchess of Bruges

     Whose cunt was incredibly huge.

       Said the king to this dame

       As he thunderously came:

     "Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"

277     There was an old man of Cajon

     Who never could get a good bone.

       With the aid of a gland

       It grew simply grand;

     Now his wife cannot leave it alone.

278     There was a young girl of Cape Cod

        Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.

          But it wasn't Jehovah

       That turned the girl over,

        'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,

     The bugger, the bastard, the sod!

279     There once was a lady named Carter,

     Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.

       She stripped off his pants,

       At his prick quickly glanced,

        And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"

280     A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,

     Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.

       While the man detumesced

       She still spent on with zest,

     Her rapture sheer anachronism.

281     There was a young man in the choir

     Whose penis rose higher and higher,

       Till it reached such a height

       It was quite out of sight --

        But of course you know I'm a liar.

282     There a young man from the Coast

     Who had an affair with a ghost.

       At the height of orgasm

       Said the pallid phantasm,

     "I think I can feel it -- almost!"

283     Have you heard of the lady named Cox

     Who had a capacious old box?

       When her lover was in place

       She said, "Please turn your face.

     I look like a  gal, but I screw like a fox."

284     A team playing baseball in Dallas

     Called the umpire a shit out of malice.

       While this worthy had fits

       The team made eight hits

     And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.

285     There was a young girl of Darjeeling

     Who could dance with such exquisite feeling

       There was never a sound

       For miles around

     Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

286     There was a young woman in Dee

     Who stayed with each man she did see.

       When it came to a test

       She wished to be best,

     And practice makes perfect, you see.

287     There was a family named Doe,

     An ideal family to know.

       As father screwed mother,

          She said, "You're heavier than brother."

     And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"

288     A lady, by passion deluded,

     Found an African drunk and denuded,

       And -- fir as a fiddle,

       And hot for a diddle --

     She tied splints to his penis and screwed it.

289     There was a strong man of Drumrig

     Who one day did seven times frig.

       He buggered three sailors,

       Four Jews and two tailors,

     And ended by fucking a pig.

290     There was an old man of Duluth

     Whose cock was shot off in his youth.

       He fucked with his nose

       And with fingers and toes,

     And he came through a hole in his tooth.

291     There was an old man of Duddee

     Who came home as drunk as could be.

       He wound up the clock

       With the end of his cock,

     And buggered his wife with the key.

292     A rapturous young fellatrix

     One day was at work on five pricks.

       With an unholy cry

       She whipped out her glass eye:

     "Tell the boys I can now take on six."

293     There was a young man with a fiddle

     Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"

       She replied, "Yes, I do,

       But prefer to with two --

        It's twice as much fun in the middle."

294     I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing

        Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"

       I replied, "Simple shagging

       Without any wagging

     Is only for screwing canoeing."

295     There was a young fellow named Fletcher,

     Was reputed an infamous lecher.

          When he'd take on a whore

          She'd need a rebore,

        And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.

296     A young fellow discovered through Freud

     That although of penis devoid,

       He could practice coitus

       By eating a foetus,

     And his parents were quite overjoyed.

297     There was a young man from Jodhpur

     Who found he could easily cure

       His dread diabetes

       By eating a foetus

     Served up in a sauce of manure.

298     There once was a sailor named Gasted,

     A swell guy, as long as he lasted,

       He could jerk himself off

       In a basket, aloft,

     Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.

299     There was a young girl of Gibraltar

     Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.

       It really seems odd

       That a virtuous God

     Should answer her prayers and assault her.

300     A young man with passions quite gingery

        Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.

       He slapped her behind

       And made up his mind

     To add incest to insult and injury.

301     A passionate red-headed girl,

     When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,

       And her twat would get wet

       And would wiggle and fret,

     And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.

302     There was a young lady named Gloria

     Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,

       And then by six men,

       Sir Gerald again,

     And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

303     Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,

     She obliges all who accost her.

       She welcomes the prick

       Of Tom, Harry or Dick,

     Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.

304     The latest reports from Good Hope

     State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,

       And fuck high, wide, and free,

       From the top of one tree

     To the top of the next -- what a scope!

305     A newlywed couple from Goshen

     Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.

       In twenty-eight days

       They got laid eighty ways --

     Imagine such fucking devotion!

306     There was a young fellow named Grimes

     Who fucked his girl seventeen times

       In the course of a week --

          And this isn't to speak

     Of assorted venereal crimes.

307     There was a young lady named Hatch

     Who would always come through in a scratch.

          If a guy wouldn't neck her,

          She'd grab up his pecker

     And shove the damn thing up her snatch.

308     There was a young lady named Hilda

     Who went for a walk with a builder.

       He knew that he could,

       And he should, and he would --

     And he did -- and he goddam near killed her!

309     Cum Hilde autem ambulabat

     Homo qui aedificabat.

       Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.

       Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.

     Sed virginem pine necebat.

310     I know of a fortunate Hindu

        Who is sought in the towns that he's been to

       By the ladies he knows,

       Who are thrilled to the toes

     By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.

311     If you're speaking of actions immoral

     The how about giving the laurel

       To doughty Queen Esther,

       No three men could best her --

     One fore, and one aft, and one oral.

312     There was a young miss from Johore

        Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;

       In a manner uncanny

          She'd wobble her fanny,

     And drain your nuts dry to the core.

313     There was a young fellow of Kent

     Whose prick was so long that it bent,

       So to save himself trouble

       He put it in double,

     And instead of coming he went.

314     There was a young man of Kildare

     Who was fucking a girl on the stair.

       The bannister broke,

       But he doubled his stroke

     And finished her off in mid-air.

315     A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll

     While bent over plucking a dingle

       Had the whole of Eisteddfod

       Taking turns at his pod

     While they sang some impossible jingle.

316     There once were two brothers named Luntz

     Who buggered each other at once.

       When asked to account

       For this intricate mount,

     They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."

317     There was a young lady named Mable

     Who liked to sprawl out on the table,

       Then cry to her man,

       "Stuff in all you can --

        Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."

318     An impotent Scot named MacDougall

     Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.

       He was gathering semen

       To gender a he-man,

     By screwing his wife through a bugle.

319     There once was a girl named Mcgoffin

     Who was diddled amazingly often.

       She was rogered by scores

          Who'd been turned down by whores,

     And was finally screwed in her coffin.

320     A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,

     Was having a captive, a person

       Who was not averse

       Though she had the curse,

        And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.

321     There was a young Scot in Madrid

     Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.

       When they said, "Are you faint?"

          He replied, "No, I ain't,

        But I don't feel as good as I did."

322     There was a young fellow of Mayence

     Who fucked his own arse, in defiance

       Not only of custom

       And morals, dad-bust him,

     But most of the known laws of science.

323     The woman who lives on the moon

     Is still cherishing the balloon

          Of an earthling who'd come

       And given her some,

     But had dribbled away all too soon.

324     There is a young faggot named Mose

     Who insists that you fuck his long nose.

          And you'll double the joy

       Of this lecherous boy

        If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.

325     There was an Old Man of the Mountain

     Who frigged himself into a fountain

       Fifteen times had he spent,

          Still he wasn't content,

     He simply got tired of the counting.

326     There was a young lady named Nance

     Who learned about fucking in France,

          And when you'd insert it

          She'd squeeze till she hurt it,

     And shoved it right back in your pants.

327     A studious professor named Nestor

     Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.

       But she drained out his balls

       And skipped up the walls,

     Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

328     The late Brigham Young was no neuter --

     No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.

       Where ten thousand virgins

          Succumbed to his urgin's

     There now stands the great State of Utah.

329     There was a young girl of Newcastle

     Whose charms were declared universal.

       While one man in front

       Wired into her cunt,

     Anothere was engaged at her arsehole.

330     There was a young girl from New York

     Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.

       A woodpecker or two

       Made the grade it is true,

     But it totally baffled the stork.

     Till along came a man who presented

     A tool that was strangely indented.

       With a dizzying twirl

       He punctured that girl,

     And thus was the cork-screw invented.

332     There was a young girl named O'Clare

     Whose body was covered with hair.

       It was really quite fun

          To probe with one's gun,

     For her quimmy might be anywhere.

333     There once was a gay young Parisian

     Who screwed an appendix incision,

       And the girl of his choice

       Could hardly rejoice

     At the horrible lack of precision.

334     While spending the winter at Pau

     Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."

       So the head-porter made her

       The second-cook laid her;

     The waiters were all hanging low.

335     There was a young girl of Penzance

     Who boarded a bus in a trance.

       The passengers fucked her,

       Likewise the conductor.

     The driver shot off in his pants.

336     The Shah of the Empire of Persia

     Lay for days in a sexual merger.

       When the nautch asked the Shah,

          "Won't you ever withdraw?"

        He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."

337     A remarkable race are the Persians,

     They have such peculiar diversions.

       They screw the whole day

       In a regular way,

     And save up the nights for perversions.

338     There was a young girl of Rangoon

     Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.

       "Well, it has been great fun,"

          She remarked when he'd done,

        "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

339     There was a young lady named Ransom

     Who was rogered three times in a hansom.

       When she cried out for more

       A voice from the floor

     Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

340     A maestro directing in Rome

     Had a quaint way of driving it home.

       Whoever he climbed

       Had to keep her tail timed

     To the beat of his old metronome.

341     "Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,

     "In a long-distance telephone booth,

       I enjoyed the perfection

       Of an ideal connection --

     I was screwed, if you must know the truth."

342     Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;

        Of all the girls that I've had,

       None gave me the thrill

       Of real rapture until

     I learned how to be a tribade."

343     There once was a handsome young seaman

     Who with ladies was really a demon.

       In peace or in war,

       At sea or on shore,

     He could certainly dish out the semen.

344     Said a girl being had in a shanty,

     "My dear, you have got it in slanty."

       He replied, "I can use

       Any angle I choose.

        I ride as I please -- I'm Duranty!"

345     An old couple just at Shrovetide

     Were having a piece -- when he died.

       The wife for a week

       Sat tight on his peak,

     And bounced up and down as she cried.

346     My wife is an amorous soul

        On fire for an African's pole.

       She told a coon chauffeur

       That he was her gopher --

     And, say, did he go for her hole!

        As he creamed my wife's cunt, the coon said,

     "I could fuck this until she was dead!"

       As he plugged up her trough,

       I jerked myself off;

        "If that's how you feel, go ahead!"

348     There was a young lady of Spain

     Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.

       They did it again

       And again and again,

     And again and again and again.

(1)     A habit depraved and unsavory

     Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery

      Midst screeches and howls

      He deflowered young owls

     Which he kept in an underground aviary.     

(2)     While Titian was mixing rose madder

     His model ascended the ladder

       Her position to Titian

       Suggested coition

     So he mounted the ladder and had her.        

(3)     There was a young girl from New York

     Who plugged up her quim with a cork

       A woodpecker or two

       Made the grade, it is true,

     But it totally baffled the stork.        

(4)     A remarkable race are the Persians,

     They have such peculiar diversions.

       They screw the whole day

       In the regular way,

     And save up the nights for perversions.     

(5)     There was a young lady named Ransom

     Who was raped three times in a hansom

       When she cried out for more

       Said a voice from the floor,

        "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson!        

(6)     There was a young man from Tibet-

     And this is the strangest one yet-

       Whose tool was so long,

       So pointed and strong,

     He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".    

(7)     There's an oversexed lady named Whyte

     Who insists on a dozen a night.

       A fellow named Cheddar

       Had the brashness to wed her-

     His chance of survival is slight.        

(8)     A worried young man from Stamboul

     Discovered red spots on his tool.

       Said the doctor, a cynic,

      "Get out of my clinic!

     Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."        

(9)     A broken-down harlot named Tupps

     Was heard to confess in her cups:

       "The height of my folly

        Was diddling a collie-

     But I got a nice price for the pups."        

(10)     There was an old whore in the Azores

     Whose body was covered with festers & sores.

       Why the dogs in the street

          Wouldn't eat the green meat

     That hung in festoons from her drawers.     

(11)     There was a young poet named Dan,

     Whose poetry never would scan.

       When told this was so,

       He said,"Yes, I know,

        It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can.

(12)     There was an old hermit named Dave

     Who kept a dead whore in his cave.

          He said "I'll admit

           I'm a bit of a shit,

     But look at the money I save."            

(13)     A scandal involving an oyster

     Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister

       She preferred it, in bed,

       To the count, (so she said)

        'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.    

(14)     There once was a bishop from Birmingham

        Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.

       As they knelt on the hassock

       He lifted his cassock

        And slipped his Episcopal worm in 'em.          

(15)     There was an old pirate named Bates

     Who was learning to rhumba on skates

       He fell on his cutlass

       Which rendered him nutless

     And practically useless on dates.        

(16)     On the breasts of a harlot from Yale

     Was tatooed the price of her tail

       And on her behind,

       For the sake of the blind,

     Was the same information in Braille.        

(17)     If continence causes neurosis

     And intercourse causes thrombosis

          I'd rather expire

       Fulfilling desire

     Than live in a state of psychosis.        

(18)     There Was a young lady named Rose

     With erogenous zones in her toes.

       She remained onanistic

       Till a foot-fetishistic

     Young man became one of her beaux.        

(19)     There was a young man named Rex

     Who really was small for his sex.

       When tried for exposure

          The judge's disclosure

     Was "De minimus non curat lex."         

(20)     There was a young fellow from Kent

     Whose cock was so long that it bent

       To save himself trouble

       He put it in double

     And instead of coming, he went.         

(21)     There was a young man from Nantucket

     Whose cock was so long he could suck it.

       He said with a grin,

       While wiping his chin,

     "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."    

(22)     Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,

     "This must be our final adieu,

       For the vicar is slicker,

       And thicker, and quicker,

     And two inches longer than you."        

(23)     A scream from the crypt of St. Giles

     Resounded for miles upon miles.

       Said the friar, "Good gracious,

       The brother Ignatious

        Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."                

(24)     There was a young man named Laplace

     Whose balls were made out of spun glass.

       When they banged together

       They played "Stormy Weather"

     And lightning shot out of his ass.        

(25)     There was a young man named Knute

     Who had warts all over his root.

       He put acid on these

       And now when he pees,

     He fingers the thing like a flute.        

(26)     A sweetheart named Teresa Arden

     Went down on her beau in the garden.

       He said, "Good lord, Tess,

          Don't swallow that mess!"

     And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"    

(27)     A physical fellow named Fisk

     Could screw at a rate very brisk.

       So fast was his action

       The Fitzgerald contraction

     Would shrink up his rod to a disk.        

(28)     There was a young lady named Bright

     Who could travel much faster than light.

       She took off one day,

       In a relative way,

     And returned on the previous night.        

(29)     A computer called ILLIAC4

     Had a rather tough bug in its core.

       It chewed up its cards

       And spewed yards and yards

     Of illegible tape on the floor.         

(30)     There once was a couple named Kelly

     Who walked around belly-to-belly.

       It seems in their haste,

          They used Carter's paste

     Instead of petroleum jelly.            

(31)     An amazon giantess named Dunne

     Let a midget screw her for fun.

       But the poor little runt

       Was engulfed in her cunt

     And re-born as the twin of his son.        

(32)     There was an old maid from Cape Cod

     Who thought all good things came from god.

          But it wasn't the almighty

       Who lifted her nighty,

        It was Roger, the lodger, by god.               

(33)     There was a young man from Bel-aire

     Who was screwing his girl on the stair.

       But the banister broke

       So he doubled his stroke

     And finished her off in mid-air.        

(34)     An architect fellow named Yoric

     Could, when feeling euphoric,

       Display for selection

       Three kinds of erection-

     Corinthian, Ionic, and Doric.            

(35)     A gay young prince from Morocco

     Made love in a manner Rococco.

       He painted his penis

       To resemble a Venus

     And flavored his semen with cocoa.        

(36)     A frustrated lady named Alice

     Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.

       They found her vagina

       In North Carolina

     And bits of her tits were in Dallas.        

(37)     There was a young man from Boston

     Who rode around in an Austin.

       There was room for his ass

       And a gallon of gas,

        But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.         

(38)     There was a young monk from Siberia

        Whose life got drearia' and drearia'

       Till he did to a nun

          What shouldn't be done

        And made her a mother superia'.                 

(39)     There was a young lady from Wheeling

     Who had a peculiar feeling.

       She laid on her back

       And tickled her crack

     And pissed all over the ceiling.        

(40)     On a ship wrecked far out at sea,

        The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."

      "Aha!" said the mate,

       "That settles the fate

        Of the captain, the pilot, and me."             

(41)     There was a young man from Bear Ridge

     Who had strange ideas about marriage.

          He fucked his wife's mother

       And sucked off her brother

        And ate up her sister's miscarriage.            

(42)     A clever young man named Eugene

     Invented a jack-off machine.

       On the twenty-third stroke

       The goddam thing broke

     And beat both his balls to a creame.        

(43)     There was a young man from Racine

     Who invented a fucking machine.

       Concave or convex,

       It served either sex,

     But oh what a bitch to keep clean.        

(44)     A pansy who lived in Khartoum

     Took a lesbian up to his room.

       They argued all night

       Over who had the right

     To do what, with which, and to whom.        

(45)     There once was a girl from Madras

     Who had such a beautiful ass -

       It was not round and pink

       ( As you bastards think )

     But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.    

(46)     A maiden who travelled in France

     Once got on a train, just by chance.

       The engineer fucked her,

       The conductor sucked her,

     And the fireman came in his pants.        

(47)     There was a young man from Dundee

     Who buggered an ape in a tree.

       The results were quite horrid:

       All ass and no forehead,

     Three balls and a purple goatee.        

(48)     There was a young man from Rangoon

        Who used to lament 'neath the moon

       That he had the luck

       To be born of a fuck

     That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.        

(49)     A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds

     Once swallowed a package of seeds.

       In a month, his ass

       Was covered with grass

     And his balls were grown over with weeds.    

(50)     An ardent young man named Magruder

     Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.

       She thought it quite lewd

       To be wooed in the nude,

     But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.    

(51)     Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,

        Who came to Rumania's rescue?

          It's a wonderful thing

       To be under a king--

     Is democracy better, I esk you?         

(52)     There once was a gangster named Brown

     - The sneakiest bastard in town.

       He was caught by G-men

       Shooting his semen

     Where the cops would slip and fall down.    

(53)     There was a young girl from Decatur

     Who was raped by an alligator.

       But no one quite knew

       How she relished that screw,

     For after he screwed her, he ate her.        

(54)     The acrobats - Tom and Louise-

     Do an act in the nude on their knees.

       They crawl down the aisle

       While screwing dog-style,

        As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."        

(55)     "Well, I took your advice, doc," said Knopp,

     "And told my wife to try it on top.

       She bounced for an hour,

       Till she ran out of power,

        And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 

(56)    There was a young man from St. Paul's

        Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"

       Till he grew such a passion

       For feminine fashion

     That he knitted a snood for his balls.        

(57)     There was a young lady from Rio

     Who slept with the fornier trio.

       As she dropped her panties

       She said, "No andanties!

     I want this allegro con brio."            

(58)     There was an old bishop from Buckingham

        Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.

       His wife with distain

       Could scarcely restrain

     That sprightly old bishop from * * *.        

(59)     A greedy young lady from Sidney

     Liked it in up to her kidney,

       Till a man from Quebec

       Shoved it up to her neck--

        He really diddled her, didn' he?                

(60)     A pretty young lady named Vogel

     Once sat herself down on a molehill.

       A curious mole

       Nosed into her hole-

        Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.             

(61)     There once was a fellow named Potts

     Who was prone to having the trots

       But his humble abode

       Was without a commode

     So his carpet was covered with spots.        

(62)     A trapper named Francois Lefebrve

     Once captured and buggered a beabrve.

       The result of this fuck

       Was a three titted duck,

     A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.

(63)     There was an old whore from Silesia

        Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,

       For a slight extra sum

        You can go up my bum

        But watch out or my tapeworm'll seize ya."      

(64)     For the sores on his prick he used Dial.

     That failed; he gave Lava a trial.

       But the one remedy

       For contagious V.D.

     Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.        

(65)     A cute little twerp from Samoa

     Had a cock of one inch and no moa.

       It was good for keyholes

          And debutantes' peeholes

        But not worth a damn on a whoa.                 

(66)     There was a young fellow called Clyde

     Who fell in an outhouse and died.

       He had a twin brother

       Who fell in another

        So now they're interred side by side.           

(67)     A lusty young maid from Seattle

     Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;

       Till she found a bull

       Who filled her so full

     It made both her ovaries rattle.        

(68)     There once was a man with a hernia

     Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,

       When you work on my middle

          Be sure you don't fiddle

     With things that do not concern ya."        

(69)     A princess who reigned in Baroda

     Made her home on a purple pagoda.

       She festooned the walls

       Of her halls with the balls            

        And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.      

(70)     A lady, while dining in Crewe,

        Found an elephant's whang in her stew.

          Said the waiter, "Don't shout

       Or wave it about

     Or the others will ask for one, too."        

(71)     There was a young plumber named Lee

     Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.

       She said, "Stop your plumbing,

          There's somebody coming!"

        Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"    

(72)     There was a young lady from Exeter,

     So pretty that men craned their necks at her.

       One was even so brave

       As to take out and wave

     The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.    

(73)     In the garden of Eden lay Adam,

     Complacently stroking his madam

       And loud was his mirth

       For on all of the Earth

        There were only two balls and he had 'em.       

(74)     A mathematician named Hall

     Has a hexahedronical ball,

       And the cube of its weight

          Times his pecker's plus eight

     Is his phone number - give him a call.        

(75)     There was a young harlot from Kew

     Who filled her vagina with glue.

       She said with a grin,

      "If they pay to get in,

        They'll pay to get out of it too."              

(76)     There was an old count of Swoboda

     Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.

      So, with great savoir-faire,

      She stood on a chair

     And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.        

(77)     There was a young man in Havana,

     -Banged his girl on a player-piana.

       At the height of their fever

       Her ass hit the lever -

     And: Yes!  He has no banana!            

(78)     She begged and she pleaded for more.

        I said, "We've already had four,

          And I'm sure that you've heard,

       Though its somewhat absurd,

     That eros spelt backwards is sore."        

(79)     There once was a horny old bitch

     With a motorized self-frigger which

       She would use with delight

       All day long and all night -

     Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.        

(80)     A geneticist living in Delft

     Scientifically played with himself,

       And when he was done

       He labelled it: Son,

     And filed him away on a shelf.            

(81)     Said Einstein, "I have an equation

     Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:

       Let  V  be Virginity

       Approaching infinity;

     Let  P    be a constant persuasion;

     Let  V    over  P  be Inverted

     With the square root of Mu inserted

       N  times into  V ...

       The Result, Q E D,

     Is a relative!" Einstein Asserted.        

(82)     The sexual desires of the camel are greater than anyone thinks.

     Why once in a moment of passion one tried to deflower the sphinx

        Now the sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged with the sands of the nile

        Which accounts for the hump on the camel's back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile.


(83)     The new cinematic emporium

     Is not just a super-sensorium,

       But a highly effectual


     Mutual masturbatorium.                

(84)     An artist who lived in Australia

     Once painted his ass like a dahlia.

       The drawing was fine,

       The colour - devine,

     The scent - Ah! that was a failia.        

(85)     There was a young man of Devizes,

     Whose balls were of different sizes.

       One was so small,

       It was nothing at all;

     The other took numerous prizes.         

(86)     A talented girl from Detroit

     Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.

       She could squeeze her vagina

       To a pin-point or finer

     Or open it out like a quoit.            

(87)     There was a young royal marine,

     Who tried to fart "God Save The Queen".

       When he reached the soprano

       Out came only guano

        And his britches weren't fit to be seen.        

(88)     Il y avait un jeune homme de Dijon,

        Qui n'avait que peu de religion.

          Il dit: "Quant a' moi,

       Je deteste tous les trois,

     Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"        

(89)     There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,

     Whose people all thought her a virgin,

       Till they found her in bed

       With her twat very red,

        And the head of a kid just emergin'.            

(90)     There was a young girl from Samoa

     Who pledged that no man would know her.

       One young fellow tried,

       But she wriggled aside,

     And he spilled all his spermatozoa.        

(91)     There was a young lady named Wylde

     Who kept herself quite undefiled

       By thinking of Jesus;

       Contagious diseases;

        And the bother of having a child.               

(92)     There was a young lady from Spain

     Who got sick as she rode on a train;

       Not once, but again,

       And again, and again,

     And again, and again, and again.        

(93)     There was a young girl from St. Paul

     Who went to a newspaper ball.

       Her dress caught on fire

       And burnt her entire

     Front page and sport section and all.        

(94)     A silly young man from Hong Kong

     Had hands that were skinny and long.

       He ate rice with his fingers--

       The taste of it lingers,

     But now all his fingers are gone.        

(95)     According to experts, the oyster

     In its shell - a crustacean cloister -

       May frequently be

       Either he or a she

     Or both, if it should be its choice ter.    

(96)     The cruelest of creatures the crab

     With claws that can pinch you or stab,

       And then when you dine

       On crab and white wine

     It gets you as well with the tab.        

(97)     That naughty old Sappho of Greece

     Said: "What I prefer to a piece

       Is to have my pudenda

       Rubbed hard by the enda

     The little pink nose of my niece."        <12th Letter>

(98)     Two eager young men from Cawnpore

     Once buggared and fucked the same whore.

       But her partition split

       And the blood and the shit

     Rolled out in a mess on the floor.        

(99)     There was a young girl from Peru,

     Who noticed her lovers were few;

       So she walked out her door

       With a fig leaf, no more,

        And now she's in bed - with the flu.            

(100)     There was a young lady from Spain

     Who demurely undressed on a train.

       A helpful young porter

       Helped more than he orter,

     And she promptly cried, "Help me again!"    

(101)     A pretty young maiden from France

        Decided she'd just "Take a chance."

       She let herself go

       For an hour or so

     And now all her sisters are aunts.        

(102)     A team playing baseball in Dallas

     Called the umpire blind out of malice.

       While this worthy had fits

       The team made eight hits

     And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.    

(103)     A bather whose clothing was strewed

     By breezes that left her quite nude,

       Saw a man come along

       And, unless I am wrong,

     You expected this line to be lewd.        

(104)   She wasn't what one could call pretty

     And other girls offered her pity,

       So nobody guessed

       That her Wasserman test

     Involved half the men in the city.        

(105)     There was a young lady from Norway

     Who hung by her heels in a doorway.

       She told her young man,

      "Get off the divan,

        I think I've discovered one more way!"          

(106) There was a young girl who begat

     Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.

          T'was fun in the breeding

       But hell in the feeding

        When she found there's no tit for tat.          

(107)     A girl camper once had an affair

     With a fellow all covered with hair.

       When she gave him his hat

       She realized that

        She'd been had by Smokey the bear.              

(108)     A busy young lady named Gloria

     Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier

       And then by six men,

       Sir Gerald again,

     And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.        

(109)     Oh pity the prince, Montezuma!

     He tried to make love to a puma.

       Seems the puma, in play,

       Tore his testes away -

     - An example of animal huma.            

(110)     A cautious young fellow named Lodge

     Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.

       When his date was strapped in,

       He committed a sin,

     Without even leaving his grodge.        

(111)     A progressive professor named Winners

     Held classes each evening for sinners.

       They were graded and spaced

         So the vile and debased

     Would not be held back by beginners.        

(112)     To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,

        "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?

       Is your east tit the least bit

       The best of your west tit,

     Or is it a trick of perspective?"        

(113)     There once was a lady named Myrtle

     Who had an affair with a turtle.

       She had crabs, so they say,

           In a year and a day

     Which proved that that turtle was fertile.    

(114)     There was a young lad - name of Durcan

        Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.

       His father said, "Durcan!

          Stop jerkin' your gherkin!

        Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.        

(115) There once was a man from Sandem

     Who was making his girl on a tandem.

       At the peak of the make

       She jammed on the brake

     And scattered his semen at random.        

(116)     There once was a fellow named Brewster

     Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,

      "It used to be grand

       But look at my hand!

        You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."        

(117)     A petulant man once said, "Pish!

     Your cunt is as big as a dish."

       She replied, "Why you fool,

       With your limp little tool,

        It's like driving a pin with a fish."           

(118)     There was an old man from Bengal

     Who liked to do tricks in the hall.

          His favorite trick

       Was to stand on his dick

     While he rolled around on one ball.        

(119)     There once was a fellow named Sweeney

     Who spilled gin all over his weenie.

       Not being uncouth,

       He added vermouth

     And slipped his amour a martini.        

(120)     On a cannibal isle near Malaysia

     Lives a lady they call Anastasia.

       Not Russian elite-

          She's eager to eat

     Whatever or whoever lays her.            

(121)     There was a man from Mich.

     Who used to wish and wich.

       That spring would come

          So he could bum

     Around and go out fich.             

(122)     There was a young lady named Ciss

        Who Said, "I think skating's a bliss!"

          But she'll never restate,

       For a wheel off her skate

     .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM     

(123)     A joker who haunts Monticello

     Is really a terrible fellow.

       In the midst of caresses

       He fills ladies dresses

     With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.    

(124) There once was a maid from Mobile

     Whose cunt was made of blue steel.

       She only got thrills

       From pneumatic drills

     And an off-centered emery wheel.        

(125)     There was a young fellow named Feeney

     Whose girl was a terrible meany.

         The hatch of her snatch

       Had a catch that would latch

     -She could only be screwed by Houdini.        

(126)     There was a young lady from Wheeling

     Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.

       But a cynic named Boris

       Just touched her clitoris

     And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.    

(127)     A marine being sent to Hong Kong

     Got a doctor to alter his dong.

       He sailed off with a tool

       Flat and thin as a rule-

     When he got there he found he was wrong.    

(128)     There was a young girl from East Lynn

      ( To save her from sin )

       Had filled up her crack

       With hard-setting shellac,

     But the boys picked it out with a pin.        

(129)     There was a young girl named Saphire

        Who succumbed to her lover's desire.

          She said, "It's a sin,

          But now that it's in,

     Could you shove it a few inches higher?"    

(130)     There was a young fellow named Hatch

     Who was fond of the music of Bach.

          He said: "It's not fussy

       Like Brahms and Debussy;

        Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."          

(131)     There was an old lady of Glascow,

     Whose party proved quite a fiasco.

       At nine-thirty, about,

       The lights all went out,

     Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.    

(132)     A limerick packs laughs anatomical

     Into space that is quite economical.

          But the good ones I've seen

          So seldom are clean,

     And the clean ones so seldom are comical.    

(133) A lady from Kalamazoo

     Once found she had nothing to do,

       So she sat on the stairs

       And she counted her hairs:


(134)     A corpulent maiden named Kroll

     Had a notion exceedingly droll:

       At a masquerade ball,

       Dressed in nothing at all,

     She backed in as a Parker House roll.        

(135)     There was a young lady named Nelly

     Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.

       They could tickle her twat

       Or be tied in a knot,

     and could even swat flies on her belly.     

(136)     There once was a girl named Priscilla

     Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.

       The taste was so fine

       Man and beast stood in line

      (Including a stud armadilla).            

(137)     There was an old man from Duluth

     Whose cock was shot off in his youth.

       He fucked with his nose

       Or his fingers and toes

     And he came thru a hole in his tooth.        

(138)     There was a young lady from Rheims

     Who amazingly pissed in FOUR streams.

       A friend poked around

       And a fly-button found

     Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.        

(140)     There was a gay Countess of Bray,

     And you may think it odd when I say,

       That in spite of high station,

       - Rank and education,

        She always spelled cunt with a 'K'.             

(141)     There was an old man of Connaught

     Whose prick was remarkably short.

       When he got into bed,

       The old woman said,

        "This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"              

(142) There was a young cook with the art

     Of making a delicious tart

       With a handful of shit,

       Some snot and some spit,

        And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.          

(143)     There was a young lass from Surat.

     The cheeks of her ass were so fat

       That they had to be parted

       Whenever she farted,

     And also whenever she shat.            

(144)     There was a young lady of Gaza

     Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.

       The crabs, in a lump,

       Made tracks to her rump -

     This passing parade did amaze her.        

(145)     A doctoral student from Buckingham

        Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking 'em.

       But a dropout from Paree

       Taught him Gamahuchee

        - So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.        

(146)     There was a young woman of Cheadle,

     Who once gave the clap to a beadle.

       Said she, "does it itch?"

       "It does, you damned bitch,

     And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."    

(147)     There was a poor parson from Goring,

     Who made a small hole in his flooring,

       Fur-lined it all round,

       Then laid on the ground,

     And declared it was cheaper than whoring.    

(148)     A potter who lived in Bombay

     Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;

       But the heat of his prick

       Kilned the damn thing to brick

        And chafed all his foreskin away.               

(149)     There was a young lady from Siam

     Who said to her lover, one Kiam,

       "You may kiss me of course,

          But you'll have to use force.                 

        Though god knows you're stronger than I Am."    

(150)     On the porch of a dude named Horatio,

     His girl got a yen for fellatio.

       As she sucked on his dingus

       He tried cunnilingus

        But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.         

(151) There was a young man of Calcutta,

     Who tried to write "CUNT" on a shutter.

       When he got to C-U,

       A pious Hindoo

     Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.    

(152)     A handsome young rodent named Gratian

     As a lifeguard became a sensation.

        All the lady mice waved

        And screamed to be saved

     By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.        

(153)   In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,

        Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,

        But this lubricant lapse

           Isn't noticed, perhaps

     Because NOBODY does in Duluth.            

(154)   A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison

     And had an affair with a Saracen.

        She was not oversexed,

        Or jealous or vexed,

     She just wanted to make a comparison.        

(155)     A princess who lived near a bog

     Met a prince in the form of a frog.

        Now she and her prince

        Are the parents of quints,

     Four boys and one fine polliwog.        

(156)     A new dramatist of the absurd

     Has a voice that will shortly be heard.

        I learn from my spies

           He's about to devise

     An unprintable three-letter word.        

(157)     A teenage protester named Lil

     Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill!

        First they bugged our martinis,

        Our bras and bikinis,

     And now they are bugging the pill."        

(158)     There was a young man of Bombay

     Who buggered his dad once a day.

          He said, "I like, rather,

          Fucking my father --

        He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."        

(159)     A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?

        I am not I, I'm a tree."

          But another, more sane,

             Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"

     And covered his pants leg with pee.        

(160) There once was a fellow named Bob

     Who in sexual ways was a snob.

             One day he was swimmin'

          with twelve naked women

     And deserted them all for a gob.        

(161)     There once was a monk of Camyre

     Who was seized with a carnal desire

          And the primary cause

             Was the abbess's drawers

     Which were hung up to dry by the fire.        

(162)     An exotic young lady named Suki

     Once danced in a troupe of Kabuki

          When asked for a fuck

          She said, "Solly, no luck--

     See here!  Looky looky, no nuki!"        

(163)     One evening a Guru had coitus

     With an actress, a whore and a poetess.

          When asked what position

          He used for coition,

     He answered serenely, "The loetus."        

(164)     Asked a supplicant priest of the Pontiff,

     "Do I sin if I do what I want, if

          I screw a young nun

          In the Eastertide sun?"

     His Holiness murmured, "Gut Yontiff."        

(165)     A pious young lady of Chichester

     Made all of the saints in their niches stir

          And each morning at matin

          Her breast in pink satin

        Made the Bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.  

(166)     There was a young gaucho named Bruno

     Who said, "There is one thing I do know,

          Women are fine

          And children devine,

     But the llama is Numero Uno."            

(167)     There was a young lady at sea

     Who complained that it hurt her to pee.

          Said the brawny old Mate,

          "That accounts for the state

     Of the cook and the captain and me."        

(168)     A lovely young maid from St. Jude

     Once rode through the streets in the nude.

          The police cried, "Whatam--

          Agnificent bottom!"

     And slapped it as hard as they cude.        

(169) Said a pornographistic young poet

     "Although I perhaps do not show it,

          My interest in sin

          Is wearing quite thin,

        And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."   

(170)     There was a young fellow named Grant

     Who was made like the sensitive plant.

          When they asked "Do you fuck?"

          He replied, "No such luck.

        I would if I could, but I can't."               

(171)     There was a young monk of Dundee

     Who complained that it hurt him to pee,

          He said, "Pax vobiscum,

             Now why won't the piss come?

        I'm afraid I've the C-L-A-P."                   

(172)     A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux

     Fell in love with a dashing young beau.

          To arrest his regard

          She would squat in his yard

     And longingly pee in the sneaux.        

(173)     There was a young woman, quite handsome,

     Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.

          When she offered much gold

          For release, she was told

        That the view was worth more than the ransom.   

(174)     There was a young man from Bengal

     Who claimed he had only one ball,

          But two little bitches

             Pulled down this man's breeches

     And proved he had nothing at all.        

(175)     Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham

        And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?

          How they lift the frock

          And tickle the cock

        Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em?      

(176)     There was a young lady from Wooster

     Who complained that too many men gooster.

          So she traded her scanties

          For sandpaper panties,

        Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.

(177)     A weary old lecher named Blott

     Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.

          Too lazy to rape her,

          He made darts out of paper,

     Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.        

(178) An arrogant wench from Salt Lake

     Liked to tease all the boys on the make.

          She was finally the prize

          Of a man twice her size

     And all she recalls is the ache.        

(179)     A gifted young fellow from Sparta

        Was widely renowned as a farta'.

          He could fart anything

          From "Of Thee I Sing,"

        To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."              

(180)     A deep-throated virgin named Netty

     Was sucking a cock on the jetty.

          She said, "It tastes nice,

          Much better than rice,

     Though not quite as good as spaghetti."     

(181)     There was a young man of Lake Placid

     Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.

          When he wanted to sport

          He would have to resort

     To injections of sulphuric acid.        

(182)     A certain young sheik of Algiers

     Said to his harem, "My dears,

          Though you may think it odd of me,

             I'm tired of just sodomy

        Let's try straight fucking." (Loud cheers!)     

(183)     An ambitious lady named Harriet

     Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot

          By seventeen sailors

          A monk and three tailors,

     Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.            

(184)     The old archeologist, Throstle,

     Discovered a marvelous fossil.

          He knew from its bend

          And the knot on the end,

        T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.            

(185)     "Well, Madam," the Bishop declared,

     While the Vicar just mumbled and stared,

             "'Twere better, perhaps,

          In the crypt or the apse,

     Because sex in the nave must be shared."    

(186)     The Kings of Peru were the Incas,

     Who were known far and wide as great drincas.

          They worshipped the sun

          And had lots of fun,

     But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 

(187) There was a young lady named Cager

     Who, as the result of a wager,

          Consented to fart

          The entire oboe part

        Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major.                 

(188)     A whimsical fellow named Bloch

     Could beat the base drum with his cock.

          With a special erection

          He could play a selection

     From Johann Sebastian Bach.            

(189)     There was an old man of Hong-Kong

     Who NEVER did anything wrong.

         He would lie on his back

          With his head in a sack

     And secretly finger his dong.            

(190)     There was an old person of Ware

     Who had an affair with a bear.

             He explained, "I don't mind,

             For it's gentle and kind,

     But I wish it had slightly less hair."        

(191)     A hearty young fellow named Yost

     Once had an affair with a ghost.

          At the height of the spasm

          The poor ectoplasm

     Cried, "Goodie!  I feel it ... almost."     

(192)     A pretty young boy known as Kevin

     Was raped in a pasture by seven

          Lascivious beasts

      (Oh, those Anglican priests!)

     And such is the kingdom of heaven.        

(193)     Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse

     By all of the lads in his class

          He said, with a yawn,

             "Now the novelty's gone

        And it's only a pain in the ass."               

(194)     A lad, at his first copulation,

     Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,

          Gyration, elation

          Throughout the duration,

        I guess I'll give up masturbation."             

(195)     A charmer from old Amarillo,

     Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,

          Decided one day

          That to keep men away

     She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.    

(196) A dentist, young Doctor Malone,

     Got a charming girl patient alone,

          And, in his depravity,

          Filled the wrong cavity.

     God, how his practice has grown!        

(197)     There was a young lady named Alice

     Who was known to have peed in a chalice.

             'Twas the common belief

          It was done for relief,

     And not out of Protestant malice.        

(198)     A distinguished professor from Swarthmore

     Got along with a sexy young sophomore.

          As quick as a glance

          He stripped off his pants,

        But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 

(199)     A lady from old Little Rock

     In fidelity took little stock,

          And deserted her man

          In the streets of Japan

     For a boy with a prehensile cock.        

(200)     There was a young lady from Munich

     Who had an affair with a eunuch.

          At the height of their passion

          He dealt her a ration

     From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.    

(201)     An impish young fellow named James

     Had a passion for idiot games.

          He lighted the hair

             Of his lady's affair

     And laughed as she pissed through the flames.    

(202)     A cabin boy on an old clipper

     Grew steadily flipper and flipper.

          He plugged up his ass

          With fragments of glass

     And thus circumcised his old skipper.        

(203)     We sailed on the good ship Venus,

     My god, you should have seen us

        With a figurehead

        Of a whore in bed

     And the mast an upright penis.

     The captain of the lugger

     Was known as a filthy bugger

        Declared unfit

        To shovel shit

     From one ship to another.

       The first mate's name was Cooper,

     By god he was a trooper

        He jerked and jerked

        Until he worked

     Himself into a stupor.

     The cabin boy was Chipper,

     A dandy little nipper

        He shoved cracked glass

        Inside his ass

     And circumcised the skipper.

        The captain's wife was Charlotte,

     Born and bred a harlot

        Her thighs at night

        Were lily white

     By morning they were scarlet.

        The captain's youngest daughter

     Slipped into the water

        Her plaintive squeals

        Announced that eels

     Had found her sexual quarter.

        The ship's dog's name was Rover,

     They turned the poor beast over

        And ground and ground

        That faithful hound

     From Tenerief to Dover.             

(204)   God's plan had a great beginning,

     But man spoiled his chances by sinning

        We trust that the story

           Will end in God's glory

        But at present the other side's winning.        

(205)     There once was an ARPAnet freak,

     Who better response-time did seek.

        He searched coast to coast,

        For a reliable host,

     Whose logger took less than a week.        

(206)     There was a young maiden named Hoople

     Whose bosom was triple, not duple

       She had one removed

       But it grew back improved

     At present Miss Hoople is quadruple!        

(207)     A honeymoon couple named Kelly

     Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,

         Because in their haste,

         They used library paste

     In the place of petroleum jelly.        

(208) A man who would woo a fair maid

        Should 'prentice himself to the trade.

         He should study all day

         In methodical way

     How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.        

(209)     A certain unmusical Persian

     Had a curious sort of perversion.

         He thought that the part

         That was words was by Art

     And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian.    

(210)     A woman who lived on Antigua

     Once said to her mate, "What a pig you are!"

         He answered, "My queen,

         Is it manner you mean?

     Or do you refer to my figure?"            

(211)     There was a young lady of Yap

     With pimples all over her map.

         But in her interstices

         There lurked a far worse disease

     That is commonly known as the clap.        

(212)     There was a sweet girl of Decatur

     Who went to sea on a freighter.

         She was screwed by the master

         --An utter disaster--

     But the crew all made up for it later.    

(213)     There was a young woman of Sydney

     Who could take it clear up to the kidney.

         But the thrust of Alphonse

         Barely reached to her mons

     So he left her unsatisfied, didney?        

(214)     A woman from South Philadelphia

     Once found herself left on the shelfia.

         No one wanted her wares

         But she muttered, "Who cares?"

     And cheerfully played with herselfia.        

(215)      There was a young man from Poughkeepsie

     Who, whenever he got slightly tipsy,

         Would whip out his tool

         And attack, like a fool,

     Any girl who was breasty and hipsy.    

(216)     A certain young fellow named Vaughn

     Once felt irresistibly drawn

         To exhibiting fun

         That involved more than one

     So he screwed his best girl on the lawn.    

(217) A man from the small Isle of Wight

     Once went on a far eclipse flight.

         The weather was bad

         Girls were not to be had

     And the Moon veered away out of spite.        

(218)     A certain hard-working young hooker

     Was such an enchanting good-looker,

            There were fights 'mongst the fuzz

         Over whose turn it was

     To pinch her, and frisk her, and book her.    

(219)     There was a young man named Sam Stover

     Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah.

         She appeared on his lap

         And gave him the clap

     Now that sort of prayer is all over.        

(220)     All was well with the Dowager Duchess

        When trapped in the mad rapist's clutches.

         Till he turned on the light,

         Took one look, said good night

        So she hit him with one of her crutches.        

(221)     There was a young lady named Hunt

     Who performed the unusual stunt

         Of screwing by mail

         When she was in jail

     For she had a detachable cunt.        

(222)     There was a young woman named Clare

     Within genitals lacking in hair.

         What caused this affliction

         Was sexual friction

     Which left them the worse for the wear.     

(223)     Another young waman named Clare

     Would walk around perfectly bare,

         Saying, "All that I show

         Are my publics, you know,

     For my privates are covered with hair."     

(224)     "I am just," moaned a girl from Racine,

     "A perpetual motion machine.

            I can't help it.  I must.

         For I service the lust

     Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine."        

(225)     There was a young fellow from Queens

     Whose perpetual motion machines

         Would more forward by jerks

         For he kept in the works

     The best Mexican high-jumping beans.        

(226) A woman most gorgeously stacked

     Thought screwing a glorious act.

         So, for finding a niche

         For those who were rich,

     She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.     

(227)     There is a young woman from Riga

     With morals depressingly meager,

            She's seduced twice a week

         By a lecherous Greek

        If "seduced" is the word when she's eager.      

(228)     An Olympian lecher was Zeus,

     Always playing around fast and loose,

         With one hand in the bodice

         Of some likely young goddess

     And the other preparing to goose.        

(229)     A young woman from South Carolina

        Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.

         With the proper-sized cocks

            What was sex became Bach's

     Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.            

(230)   "On the beach," said John, sadly, "There's such

     A thing as revealing too much."

         So he closed both his eyes

         At the ranks of bare thighs

     And felt his way through them by touch.     

(231)     A young violinist named Biddle

     Played exceedingly well on the fiddle.

            Yet 'twixt women and art

            'Twas the girls won his heart

     Hands down and hands up--and hands middle.    

(232)     A Sultan said sadly, "One strives

     To please all my fifty-six wives.

         But, alas, intromission

         Gives me the condition

        That's commonly known as the hives."            

(233)     Said a woman with open delight,

        "My pubic hair's perfectly white.

            I admit there's a glare

            But the fellows don't care

     They locate it more quickly at night."        

(234)     "What a shame," said a winsome young miss,

     "That an organ that brings me such bliss

         With its delicate touch

         Should be wasted on such

     An unpleasant production as piss."        

(235) In her youth, exhibitionist Annie

     Was fequently spanked by her nannie.

         That is why, to this day,

         Some psychiatrists say

     She is fond of exposing her fanny.        

(236)   An expert at kissin' and dallyin'

     Had a prick quite like that of a stallion.

         His success would be cosmic

         But for shortcomings osmic

        For he reeked very strongly of scallion.        

(237)     An innocent hooker named Agnes

     Was reduced to mere tatters and ragness

         Because the poor sweet

         Kept on working a street

     That was laden with queers and with fagness.    

(238)   A rapist's convicted, and hence is

     Executed for all his offenses,

         Thereafter, indeed,

         His victims agreed

     That the man was well-hung in both senses.    

(239)     A young teacher from far-off Bombay

     Turned down a request for a lay

         Nicely couched in a note,

         Since the fellow who wrote

     Had spelled "intercoarse" with an "a."        

(240)     Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,

        "I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.

            My wife, who's a shrew,

            Isn't willing to screw

        And she's sure to outlive me, God damma."       

(241)     Young Jane was a lollapolooza

     Yet no one could manage to use her.

            She wouldn't screw with them

         Except to the rhythm

     Of the marches of John Philip Sousa.        

(242)     A fellow from Chicopee, Mass.

        Rejected another man's pass.

         He felt some attraction,

         But recalled that the action

     Might well prove a pain in the ass.        

(243)   During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic

     From high C, down by chords, to the tonic.

         So John felt it unsordid

         To have them recorded

     In sound that was stereophonic.         

(244) How bitter was Joseph's existence

        When he found that his girl friend's insistence

            Meant that he'd have to wed her

         Before he could bed her.

     She was simply a piece de resistance.        

(245)     A young man from a lofty sierra

     Found sex both a puzzle and terror.

         But he met with a lass

         In a similar pass

     And they both learned--by trial and error.    

(246)     A luscious young student at Vassar

     Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer.

         But not in her studies

         You old fuddy-duddies

     For she shone as a great piece-of-asser.    

(247)     The crotch of a lady from Trenton

     Was too tight to make much of a dent on.

         The fellows who tried

         Spread the news far and wide

     That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un.        

(248)     There was a young woman named Melanie

     Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"

         She replied, "No, siree,

         I give it for free

     To see it, dear sir, is a felony."        

(249)     There was a young woman named Susan

        Who found it completely amusin'

         To make love to three men

         Although who did what when

        Was frequently rather confusin'.                

(250)     Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol

        Looked delightful in model's apparel.

         The slimming effect

         Was best, I suspect,

     When her man had her over a barrel.        

(251)     A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr,

     Had a daughter, delightful and pure.

         It seems such a shame

         That her chief claim to fame

     Was her great skill at pitching manure.     

(252)   Said a young man, "I'm really delighted

     To find that my love is requited

         By all twenty-eight

         Of the girls that I date.

        Were they fewer, I'd feel myself slighted."     

(253) There was an old man from the Nile

     Whose sexual habits were vile.

            Yet whenever he'd score

         The women all swore

     That he sure made perversion worthwhile.    

(254)     A lovely French girl from Calais

     Looks great in her sheer negligee.

         Delightful and chaste

         She would just suit the taste

     Of the typical Gallic gourmet.            

(255)     A colonial girl, sweet and sainted,

     Was by war-striped young Indians tainted.

         Later, asked of the ravages,

         She said ofthe savages,

        "They aren't as bad as they're painted."        

(256)     A stately giraffe, when he necks,

        Or a hippo, when he's having sex,

            Aren't worth a tut-tut

         To the bellowing rut

     Of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex.         

(257)     Young Alice is known for her poise

     During quiet foreplay with the boys.

            But then when she has 'em

         At the brink of orgasm,

        You can't hear yourself think for the noise.    

(258)     An uncertain young woman named Fern

     Was so great she had lovers to burn.

         She got into bed

         With both Johnnie and Fred

        And didn't know which way to turn.              

(259)     A confirmed multilinguist, I fear,

     Finds conditions for flirting severe.

         A girl scarcely knows

            The response to a beau's

     "Bitte, couchez avec mich, my dear."        

(260)     There was a young woman named Golda

     Whose lovers grew colder and colder

         For during love making

            She'd sing the earth-shaking

     Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.        

(261)     Thre was an old Scotsman of Fife

     Who had left, in the course of his life,

         Scores of well-rounded ends

         Of the wives of his friends

     And likewise of the friends of his wife.    

(262) There was a young man of Rostov

     Who found it a risk to make love.

         He had grown very fond

         Of a statuesque blonde

     And was hurt when he slipped and fell off.    

(263)     A sprightly young fellow named Jay

     Screwed a girl in his car every day.

            His aims weren't base

         He just wanted to place

        The "let" in his old Chevrolet.                 

(264)     A certain young woman named Mame

     Longs to play in a tough football game.

            You would think that can't be

            Since she's female, you see,

        Yet she's making the team, just the same.       

(265)     At a bullfight, Jose made his bid.

     When the maiden agreed, he was rid

         Of all inhibitions

         And, despite the conditions,

     As the crowd yelled "Ole!" Jose did.        

(266)     There was a young fellow from Juilliard

     With a penis that measured a full yard.

         The girls whispered and leered

         And most of them cheered

     Whenever he ran through the schoolyard.     

(267)     There was a young sailor from Rome

     Who found the girls over the foam

         All acted the same

         In the sexual game

     So he might just as well have stayed home.    

(268)     It seemed all was well for old Bill

     For the night was romantic and still.

         She was warm, she was waiting,

         She was ripe for the mating

     But alas--she was not on the pill.        

(269)     There was a young woman named Maud

     Who found herself now and then floored

         --Or bedded, or chaired,

         Or top of the staired--

        Oh, well, it's the life of a bawd.              

(270)     Thre was a young lady named Bates

     Who amused every one of her dates

         By keeping one breast

         In total arrest

     While the other described figure eights.    

(271) A certain sweet girl from Key West

     Was uncommonly large in the chest.

            Any man's close attention

         To her outsize dimension

     Brought his own measurement to its best.    

(272)     There was a young woman named Vicki

        Who said, "I don't want to be picky.

         If, in five hours or so

         As you say, you must go,

        At least we'll have time for a quicky."         

(273)   A psychiatrist said, "It's no matter

     That my husband is mad as a hatter.

         There are certain psychoses

         That bring sex in large doses.

     My husband, you see, is satyr."         

(274)     The climax, when Josie engages,

     Is postponed for what seems to be ages.

         Out of self-preservation

         And to banish frustration

     She has three or four fellows--in stages.    

(275)     Annabelle turned beet-red in the face

     At having been raped.  Such disgrace!

         Yet although it was terrible

         It was not quite unbearable.

     She had taken her pill just in case.        

(276)     An industrious young obstetrician

     Conceived his financial position

         To depend upon beauty

         And husbandly duty

     Plus determined and endless coition.        

(277)     Once Titian, while mixing rose madder,

     Spied his model on top of the ladder.

         Her position, to Titian,

         Suggested coition,

        So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.        

(278)     A virtuous maiden named Nora

     Viewed sexual sinning with horror.

         But a bit of love play

         Was indulged in today

        And who knows what she'll think by tomorrow.    

(279)     There was a young man of Belgrade

     Who planned to seduce a fair maid.

         And as it befell

         He succeeded quite well

     So the maid, like the plan, was deep-laid.    

(280)       There was an old man of Belfast

     Whose active sex life was so vast

            He was glad he'd worked through

         To a spry ninety-two

     When his lust was declining at last.        

(281)     Those men who are born under Taurus

     Are attracted to girls of the chorus.

         They go on to excursions

         In varied perversions--

        But forget it, the details would bore us.       

(282)     A queen of old Egypt, named Cleo

     Conducted her loving "con brio."

         She felt quite at home in

         The arms of one Roman

     But preferred to be part of a trio.        

(283)     There was an old maid of Peru

     Who swore that she never would screw

         Except under stress

         Of forceful duress

        Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?"         

(284)     Turning down the desires of Marie

        John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see?

         For all I can do

         Is to keep screwing you

        While you'd screw none other than me."          

(285)     A finicky man from Australia

     With the ladies was largely a failure.

         He said, "Sex may be fun

         But in the long run

     It will damage my fine genitalia."        

(286)     A sultan, inspecting his harem,

        Said, "Eunuch, proceed to unbare 'em."

         Having seen the details

         He issued long veils

        And ordered the harem to wear 'em.              

(287)     A woman who lived near Cape Fear

     Would always most carefully steer

         Past men whom she saw,

         But was brought to the floor,

     By a well-timed attack from the rear.        

(288)     There once was a member of Mensa

     Who was a most excellent fencer.

         The sword that he used

         Was his--(line is refused,

        And has now been removed by the censor).        

(289) A woman who reached ninety-nine

     Said she always felt pefectly fine

         Thanks to helpings of semen

         From rugged old he-men

     Who were not too far gone in decline.        

(290)     A young woman from old Montreal

     Reminisced once concerning her fall,

         Saying, "He was so quick,

         And his prick was so slick,

     That I just never felt it at all.        

(291)     A young fellow received much acclaim

     For his skill at the sexual game.

         A real Juggernaut

         He easily brought

     Three girls to the peak ere he came.        

(292)     A sadly afficted young stutterer

        With a wish, but unable to utter 'er,

         Showed his favorite tart

         The appropriate part

     Of the drawings in his Kamasutra.        

(293)     There once was a lecherous pianist

        Of all, the most he-in' and she-inest.

         To heighten his joy

         He would only employ

     Those girls he was told were agreein-est.    

(294)     An astronomer fellow named Mark

     Was sure it would be a great lark

         To have a girl eye

         The stars in the sky

        And see what came up in the dark.               

(296)     We all laughed when a fellow named Ollie

     Once swore he would screw a young dolly.

            "For twelve hours, I'll engage'er,"

         And he laid down his wager.

     We all laughed, but he did it, by golly.    

(297)     A feminist, fetchingly scented,

        In a charming hotel room she'd rented

         Had picked up a guy

         In the street, passing by,

     And when she said, "Right on!" boy, she meant it.    

(298) Another young feminist, Florence,

     Held all the male sex in abhorrence.

            She'd take men to bed

         And screw them till dead

        And then she'd collect the insurance.           

(299)     Some gentlemen born under Aries

     Are likely to go by contraries.

            They're apt to ignore

         The sweet girl next door

     And feel much attracted to fairies.        

(300)     An actor, in furious rage,

     Muttered this to an actress on stage,

            "When I'd fallen for you

         I had thought forty-two

     Was meant for your breasts, not your age."    

(301)     There was a young couple from Florida

     Whose passion grew steadily torrider.

         They were planning to sin

         In a room in an inn.

     Who can wait?  So they screwed in the corridor. 

(302)     There was a hard-working soothsayer

     Well-known as an honest truth-prayer.

         He married a dame

         And Ruth was her name

     And now he is called a Ruth-layer.        

(303)     There was a young girl named Laraine

     Whom no one could think of as plain.

         The fellows pursue her

         In order to screw her

     Again and again and again.            

(304)     A devil-may-care sort of flapper

     Was a belle who was seeking a clapper.

         But not every bum

         Would be making her come

     She was after a Phi Beta Kappa.         

(305)     Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty,

        "I think that it's my bounden duty

         To give you the measure

         Of my tip for your pleasure

        --And by 'tip' I don't mean a gratuity."        

(306)     A young man who enjoyed the society

     Of girls to the point of satiey

         Sometimes had a half a mind

         To leave them behind

     And jerk himself off for variety.        

(307) A woman who lived in St. Paul

     Had breasts undeniably small

         Her husband growled, "Dear,

         Why not burn your brassiere?

        It's fulfilling no function at all."            

(308)     An eager inventor named Jones

     Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans.

            He'd devised x-ray glasses

         To study clothed lasses

     But all he could see were their bones.        

(309)     An insatiable damsel named Bridget

     Was likely to mutter and fidget

         Whenever some jerk

            Couldn't manage to work

     Up a quick enought rise to the rigid.        

(310)     The seductive Dolores could lay so

     Well, she earned many a peso

         Fom men who walked miles

         To climax, with smiles.

     (Her ads in the papers all say so.)        

(311)   Said John, "Sex I've always enjoyed

     And the way to avoid being cloyed

         For the fellow who dallies is

         The psychoanalysis

     Of the school of the great Sigmund Freud."    

(312)     Softly seductive young Brenda

     Wnats a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,

         And thoughtful and bright

         And sexually right

     But mostly a very big spender.            

(313)     The man whom I call Dr. A.

     Is past master at love and at play.

         At hugging and kissing--

         (The remainder is missing

        For I won't give my secrets away.)              



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