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Archive-name: Bondage/njlist20.txt

Archive-author: Nurse Jones

Archive-title: The List - 20 of 20





From Nurse Jones,



     I'm getting pretty good at hypnosis. Or maybe Jay is just

very susceptible to induction; he seems to get more so as we work

at it. I can get him into a trance in just a few minutes now,

having planted posthypnotic suggestions that help. In fact, I

have had him following posthypnotic suggestions for a week now,

just harmless ones, but increasing in complexity. For example I

tried giving him a complicated sequence for shaving his face in

the morning, for example. It worked fine. I did that so I could

watch him to see if it worked: I'm usually in the bathroom

putting on my face while he's shaving.

     I'm even getting time compression to work. The last two

times I gave him complicated instructions, I had him repeat them

silently to himself eight times in thirty seconds real time, an

hour experiental time, and he did. He took all the time he needed

to do it, and it saved hours of repetition on my part.

     I think we're ready to "do" him. It's still me that I'm

worried about, but not as much. Jay is working on that, also

through hypnosis, and it seems to be working. I must be an easier

subject than he is. One of the books we have said that might be

the case. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, and don't feel as

defensive as Jay about "letting myself go" in front of him.

Anyway, I'm beginning to accept the idea. Jay isn't going to be

changed, or a different person. There is this tiny, silent,

female voice inside him. It is there in most men, overwhelmed and

vestigial. She will have her moment in the sun, and Jay will

watch from the inside and learn what he wants to know about

himself, experience what he wants to experience. I will be

preparing him like a makeup artist would an actor for a part.

While she's here, I'll have a few hours to make a new friend, get

to know that side of Jay, however briefly. Someone (Phillip, I

think) said I needed a mission. That's it, I think. A few months

ago, I would have thought revenge to be mission enough. Bring her

out, send her back. LET him walk the walk. That's the mission.

That helped. It was an insight.

     Thanks, Philip.

     I have some questions for Kayvan. First, I've got the

collected papers of Milton Erickson, as you suggested, and some

commentaries by his disciples. He really is by far the most

useful. And I'm beginning to think that all this physical

preparation I've done is unnecessary. I'm pretty sure I could

make him think he was female--while in a trance--without all the

elaborate makeup, the body suit, the prosthetic femininity, etc.

Which would be better?

     My original feelings were that the experience would be

lessened for him if it all took place while I had him under. So I

had planned to work to convince him that he would be female (for

a limited time) upon waking, and reinforce the illusion with

makeup, etc., and dim lights. Have him reenter the trance and

turn back into a pumpkin at midnight. Maybe I should forget the

makeup? But the act of putting it on is part of being female, and

I was going to have him participate in that to a very limited

extent. And (this is important) _I_ want to perceive him visually

as a totally female different person rather than as a campy Jay,

which I could not stand.

     Big question: keep him under for the whole experience? or

bring him out as female and put him back under afterward? I've

tried two posthypnotic suggestions that lead me to think I can do

this:

     (1) I gave him a posthypnotic suggestion to make one of his

legs go to sleep temporarily when I triggered the response, so I

know I can cause perceptual distortion hours after the session.

     (2) I gave him a posthypnotic suggestion that put him back

into a trance while we were making love, triggered by key words

again. That worked, too. I wasn't sure if it would, because of

the situation, but it did. I was on top when I whispered the

trigger in his ear. We stopped moving, and he concentrated while

I did a sex change on him. I told him I was developing a penis

and he a vagina, breasts, etc., all the while moving my hips just

enough to create the impression that things were changing down

there. I told him that when he awoke he would be female while we

made love and that then I would put him under again.

     When he opened his eyes, he didn't say anything, he just

looked at me and began moving his hips experimentally. He spread

his legs and pulled me to him, the way I do when I'm on the

bottom. I kind of wish I had been hypnotized too. I often

fantasize that I have a penis when I'm on top, but I'd like to

know what it's like to believe it. It was actually a very tender

moment. His orgasm was much less, um, athletic (?) than usual. I

didn't even have an orgasm. I was working. I put him back under

immediately after his, though, and reversed everything. But he

remembers it all.

     I could probably go either way. Do it while he's under, or

after and put him back. With or without props. I think the props

might be more important to me, but I guess they couldn't hurt

from his standpoint, so long as they don't actually interfere. I

got a corset made for him while I was in San Fran, for example.

That would be a surprise I think he/she would welcome, but it

could interfere, too.

     Kayvan? Time is nigh. Guidance, please. Do we need more

practice runs? Option A or B?

     While I had him under last weekend, I asked him to tell me

why he wanted me to top him, what he wanted out of it. (A

suggestion from Fred.) He really thought about his answers,

concentrated on organizing his thoughts. I had asked him to do

this after I put him under, and he was very straightforward and

organized about it. When he spoke, he gave me a prepared-sounding

statement, told me there were 7 reasons (he had even counted

them):

     1. He wanted me to know how I would feel as a top so I would

          know what he was experiencing, what I was giving him,

          and

     2. So I would be able to experience the feelings I already

          had, the feelings I was so ashamed of, that earth-

          mother-god-like benevolent control. He didn't know

          specifically that that's what I would feel, but he's

          glad that was it, because

     3. He liked seeing me feel those emotions and he liked being

          the recipient of them.

     4. He said he wanted me to show him how I wanted to be

          treated as a bottom. And how I liked to be treated as a

          woman.

     5. He wanted the experience of being a woman like I was

          during The List.

     6. He wouldn't feel entitled to the experiences of Column

          One until he had paid his dues. Besides, looking to the

          future,

     7. He won't feel he has the right to go back to the way it

          was, with me as bottom, until after he's been there.



     1 and 2 were for me.

     3, 4, and 5 were selfish, for him.

     6 and 7 were guilt for the past, justification for the

future. His words, not mine.



     All this makes it seem so complex and psychological, but

it's more important to me to understand this now that I find it

so hard. When I was the bottom I didn't want to think about

motivations because I liked it and didn't want to think about

why. I don't like being a top as much, and I'm looking for

reasons; I guess I'm really just fishing for a reason to stop

being the top.

     Jesus. Wordstar tells me I've been taking myseslf seriously

for three pages now. You must be bored silly.



Nurse Jones,

     who even fits her OWN definition of a female bore:

          Someone who is more interested in herself than in me.



--



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